An account of my thoughts and feelings about having a genetic disease. Von Hippel Lindau disease, VHL. Not necessarily factual but real all the same.
This week has been a test for me in terms of my inner strength and ability to cope. And today I'm knackered... Do I suck it up and go to the theatre with my father in law and daughter or do I listen to my body and sleep.
I can't decide.
It was full on at work, I had to do something that wasn't nice. I had to tell people that might lose their jobs.
I'm so very tired.
I had an email today saying that although I had leadership potential I'm not on the course.
I was relieved.
I was hoping that would be the case as this holiday I've spent more time thinking about what's important to me and my family.
Having that time showed me one thing was time.
The other reason I'm glad is that quite a few people I respect, do not respect the organisation. One, very newly made influence, my coach almost told me she had no respect for them at all.
I haven't had any feedback. I suspect it's my lack of ability in the 3 online, timed tests. These were types of IQ tests. I nearly always fail those.
It could be that my style, my philosophy of education came over too strongly and I'm not their type.
Could be I'd only just got back after sick leave and they could sense how warn out was.
Maybe a combination.
But whatever the reasons I am glad. Now I get some time.
It's holiday time... I'm on holiday at the in-laws.
All very pleasant and relaxing.
I'm happy not to be at work and to be healthy at the same time. It feels like a long time since I've been well and now I'm here I'm having a bit of a re-think about my next few years.
VHL put me into a place where I was clear I didn't want to miss any life. My brother dying and his eulogy made me very determined to ensure I lived my life and didn't turn any opportunities down. Mostly that's always worked for me but lately I'm wondering if I've got the balance wrong.
That's probably got more to do with other life experiences and a freakish cyst around my brain tumour. I've said it before but I lay there, day after day, suffering in ways I can't describe and I didn't feel I regretted any choices I'd made.
I wasn't proud of everything I'd done, but I didn't regret it.
After being back at work and being back to my normal self I've been struck by how much I've let work consume me. People have seen my stress. I wonder if much of it is because they expect me not to be coping, that it is natural to be stressed. But truth be told I feel like there are other things I enjoy that I'm not getting the chance to do.
I love my job, I want to love it like I used to. That might mean taking a step back.
I'll let the fates decide... If I get on the course I'll do it. If I don't I'm not going to worry about it.
If I don't though, I'm going to have to get better at saying no.
If I'm guilty of being weak, then it's at saying no. I'm full.
Life work balance.