Then the panicked set in

I took the day off. The next day, after not much sleep I went in. That was yesterday. I didn't feel great but...

That morning I began to worry, really worry. The thought of this being the start another bad tumour experience started to seep in more than I had let it.

Possibility 1 - new super fast growing brain tumour with cyst
Possibility 2 - kidney cancer. ( I checked website symptoms)
Possibility 3 - my spine tumours have grown and disrupted the signals and stuff and...
Possibility 4 - one of my other tumours has grown, bled, metastasised

Symptoms and causes for my concern are:
Feel ill
Sweaty
Feel bit hot but then cold
Dizzy when I stand
Pins and needles in both arms a couple of times
Very achey back, particularly left kidney side
Sore neck
Depressed

Not all, all of the time!

Action.
Ask scans to be booked a bit early
Get bloods done in next few weeks
Cry
Go to work anyway
Lie on the sofa watching TV upon return
Early to bed
More crying
Write this
Pray?

A rare day indeed

I'm taking the day off work... I don't really do that sort of thing.

I'm poorly.

The last time I gave in and took a day off I didn't return to work for 3+ months.
This time it's normal poorly (I hope) and I'm going to see if a day a home not doing much helps me feel better.
I've felt ill for 4 days and still been to work but every night I feel rotten and so...

I'm quite proud of myself.
Putting myself first and not the job. And it is a job. An important one but a job and I'm important for reasons that are bigger than that. And everyone can cope just fine without me. They did for months before.
So I'm taking a sofa day and I'm going to look after myself.
Like normal people do.

Climbing a mountain in skis

We're away, it's better than I thought it was going to be.
It's given me some much needed brain space. A chance to switch off from everything, for hours at a time. Not completely but enough.
I climbed at home too, I saw a psychotherapist. It took most of the session just to fill him on the basics of VHL. He said it was striking how much of my life it has been in. He didn't get the chance to ask much else.
I'm not sure how I feel about it all.
I'll climb a bit higher a see how I get on.

I can't do it all

I just can't

One week to go

And then some escape