Medical

We're making a big decision but I'm so nervous that medically I'm going to be stalled. How do people do the thing where they know they might not have the right medical insurance.
Week

Forced sadness

It is that time of year. The memory of the years without him. Grief is often the empty gaps.
Self made grief is a hideous self harm.
And now I need to stop that.
I'm quitting work.
I'm leaving.
I'm stopping the self harm.
I feel so much better knowing I'm going. To the point where I'm sleeping better and I'm enjoying my free time.
I'm smiling and I'm not falling apart.
I haven't cried as much this week.

But the drugs don't work...

I went to the GP and was prescribed happy pills. They have not made me happy. I was sick most of the night, didn't sleep and felt more anxious than ever.
So that isn't the way.
I'm feeling rather lost now.
I don't know what to do. 4 months left at work. I can do that.
Right?

Day curves are long days

The day consisted of, morning fast, lying down, bloods, lying, more bloods, tablets and lying down, bloods, food, bloods, bloods, bloods and one more blood and home.
I filled the time and watched dreadful day time TV and doing a bit of work, some reading and podcast listening.
Because dad and I are regulars the staff asked after him and we talked about me a my last stay.
The smells made me think of last time I stayed there, almost 2 weeks maybe that long.
The staff, they have cleaned away my shit and sick and wee. They have seen me at my worst.
On the way home I saw lots of posters saying 'Wear a Hat' day. It caught my eye.
What's that for I thought, then I spotted the corner.
Brain tumour awareness.

Oooh, I thought, we could wear a hat at my school.
Oh no, I thought, that's too self centered
How sad, I thought, no one will do it for me.

I want to be fixed

In so many ways.
I feel very broken right now.
My little girl keeps me sane but so much else is pulling me apart.
A podcast I listen to has people openly talking about the darkness and shame wells. All comedy. All true.
I feel guilt physically, even when I haven't done anything wrong. And if I have it feels like it consumes me. I so want to do everything right. Get it all right so that I never get in trouble. That I'll have nothing to confess. No sin and then no punishment.
My adult a logical self knows that the bad things happen anyway. But my inner child is absolutely convinced that I can control it. By being good.
And yet I make mistakes and I sometimes almost choose to do the wrong thing and even actively choose to sin. Tell lies. I tell many lies. I lie and lie and lie and yet I am very truthful. Overly truthful, I over share. I talk about myself a lot. Often. I crave that to.
Today I don't like myself.
Today I am going to try to value myself.
Even though today I can't understand why anyone would love me.
Today I feel like a failure.
But I'm able to fight, a bit.
If I didn't give up when I was lying in my hospital bed then I won't give up now.

Book a day curve

I've booked one, partly to avoid a day at school. I need one.
Ummm