Climbing a rope ladder

Recently I went with my daughter and a friend to Go Ape. I hadn't considered I'd be afraid but as we moved onto the first off ground activity I was filled by with trepidation... The rope ladder.
I've had anxious dreams of these, clinging on swinging and afraid.
As I was suddenly faced with this reality I gritted my teeth and climbed. Not as bad as the dream but unpleasant. I did it for my child and told myself each run, I don't like this. I don't have to do this, I'm not going to keep doing this.
I did, of course and I climbed the next 8.
The reward was experiencing something special with my child and the zip wire at the end of each section.

This week I've had a similar experience of this trip. Elements​ of it have been less than fun.

It's made me realise how much I like to do these things with people, with my family.

Karen Country Club

A number of firsts for me over the last 24 hours.
- flying on my own
- riding in a golf cart
- watching men play golf while sipping lemonade
- being in a Country Club

None of this would be happening if I'd even been 10% more content at work. If life hadn't gradually started to make me feel sad, most of the time.

Make lemonade

I'm angry with Verity

I loved her.
I met her at 6th form college and she noticed me, made me feel like I belonged. We spent hours together and we laughed, cried and more. We knew each other when we lost our virginity. She was the first person I called when my brother died. 

We took silly and dangerous decisions together and apart and talked and analysed them. 

She was beautiful, stunning. The Disney film Pocahontas had not long been out, she looked a bit like her. I knew the vulnerable side of her and she knew mine. 

I thought we would be friends for ever. 

When I went into hospital she didn't visit. We never recovered from that.
I hated the fact that she didn't come and that I needed her.

I don't need anyone. 

I'm not saying it was her that made me that way, that damage had been done long before that. But that really hurt. I blamed her boyfriend (who is now he husband) I didn't want to blame VHL. 

I only visited my brother once when he was in hospital, no once when he was alive in hospital. The next time I could be bothered to go he was brain dead... then I stayed for the three days. We stayed at a nurse residence, slept on the floor. 

I know he'd have forgiven me for not coming more. But I haven't forgiven myself. 

Missing him nearly 22 years later. 

Have an adventure

Making the changes.
For many years, when offering advice to the youth I have the privilege to work with, I say...
Be the change you want to see in the world.

It is profound and useful advice and I should follow it myself. And it starts with your self

Accept
Reject
Change

that's advice one of the people I trust the most in the world often gives me and others.

We, us as a family, me we're going somewhere new.

I've chosen change...

So far it is keeping me going and the exciting possibilities of a different chapter are making each day liveable. It's taking me to Kenya next week, for three days. It feels terrifyingly amazing.
I think though I know which school I want... of the possibilities and the choices I don't have one yet. That part of fate is still someone else's choice. But one of them will make it, maybe more than one and then, oh how much I hope that it is one that leads to years of happiness.

Could I ever live a mundane life?