Pardon?

A common dad joke, anything to do with hearing and my dad would always say, Pardon?

He can't hear at the moment.
Pardon?

Yes, you heard me. He can't hear. No hearing. Deaf.

Says he'll learn sign language.

I guess we all will too.

It's not clear why he is deaf. Old age, the gamma knife surgery, wax...

The hardest thing is that one of his all time joys is listening to music. His life is already so limited. Watching a film, listening to music, hearing. This really isn't fair.

#metoo

This hash tag has come at a time when I am strong enough to own it. Oddly having just experienced another incident. A drunk old man. The shock was such that I froze and I found myself right back to the self blame, it's what I do that makes these things happen.
I was too nice to him
I didn't say no
I didn't object to his obviously flirty behaviour the first time I met him, I smiled

But the impact of him grabbing my face and kissing me on the lips and then later grabbing me again and kissing my neck was fear. When I got home to the safety of my husband I cried and cried.

My list is long and as I read other stories I recalled so many more.
They often only last 5 seconds, the cat calling. If you don't smile it's normally followed up with a  'bitch' or other insult.
"Smile sweetheart" just as creepy

Then the slightly longer, having your neck massaged by a man you barely know. Most memorable at a wedding

Being touched when you're pregnant, like you're public property (women do this too but most women ask)

Being grabbed by two men while another shoved his head in my cleavage.

Bum grabbing, very common in pubs and clubs

Thighs felt

Being given drink after drink, tipping them away, saying no... Being walked home, trying to kiss me despite saying no... More than once.

Being touched on the vagina while being given a piggyback

Being raped

And more

Seems VHL isn't the only thing warriors fight. 

Being a parent from a bed

We're on a beautiful half term break and I got food poisoning. A day of being in bed, in-between the inevitable trips to the toilet! 

As I lay there my now 10 year old trotted in and out, not remotely phased by my smell, lack of energy etc. She even managed a very sort outburst of defiance at having a shower. I use my firm voice in return, got up to fix the problem and fell back into bed exhausted by the effort.

I suppose the two of us are used to me being a mum that's , in a hospital, ill or recovering in a bed or on a sofa. There have been patches of her young life where I've been like that for weeks. So we did it again.

This time it was just a day.

My dad, my hero

The man I knew as my dad as a child has long gone.
For a while a shell existed where he has been.
I think though that this new dad is really rather wonderful (most of the time)
He, while strapped to an expert, jumped out of a plane two days ago. Lost a converse trainer but enjoyed it.
Why? Why not.

I explained to a new, potential friend that he started really trying again when he saw that I could give up.
I was very close.
That month felt endless.
I knew I could be a shell too.
I have it in me.
But I was saved and I live again.
So does he.
It has to be these big, larger than the disease, events.
He can't dance, so he flies.

I can't have a baby

I love my daughter, she is our surprise and delight.
I wanted more, I don't admit that often. No point.
But I get a pang of jealousy when I see the bundle of happy faces in pictures or in real life. I know it would be harder but I wanted a noisy family. We're a very controlled and happy  3. The magic number.
It's on my mind that even if I were to have more it's such a reckless thing to do. I'm almost 40. I'm diseased. Yesterday my husband almost didn't get the condom on in time.
I feel sad that it was the fear of the health consequences that have left me in fear and a secret part of me, ever so slightly thinking, ah but I'd have another one. Then I push that away and cover it with the facts.

We'd have to leave here. It would be a logistical nightmare.