Facebook and my mother

Twice in four days I've read a post from my mum that states my dad has been close to a crisis. Both times the way I found out not all was well.
These are cortisone ones.
The first suggested that all was now well.
It wasn't.
He was admitted to hospital after that one.
This next one shows a picture of my mum and dog. Not one of theirs.
It implies everything is under control.
It isn't.
I'm thousands of miles away. Trying hard not to let my mind drift to the news I'll one day hear.
There isn't anything else we can do. Or, your father is dead.

He has a mass.
He's getting a scan.
He's signed a DNR.

That's not on Facebook.

Yet.

Going for it and not getting it

It was worth a shot, but it certainly has left me frustrated. I'm good at seeing ways to improve things.
I care about students.
Doors shut but hey, windows open.

Hidden disability

I've started playing ultimate frisbee. We do this as a family.

I'm not as skilled as most people, I'm a little unfit at the moment and I have not quite got the hang of the rules and then there is my hidden disability. I don't go on about it. No one but my family know and they don't always remember. I'm partially sighted. And it's not a big deal the vast majority of the time. But it effects my ability to understand depth of field. And in the fast pace of ultimate frisbee I struggle.
And today it got to me. I usually laugh off not being very good but I felt got at. I didn't say anything but my lack of skill meant that some players wouldn't include me.
I don't even bother to try tennis or squash because I get frustrated by constantly picking up the ball. But in a team game I thought it would be different. My brain will learn a different way to 'see' if I'm given the chance. In roller derby this was true, I learnt to look at shadows or to turn my head just one way, or listen out for changes.
It's unlike me to give up and despite wanting to walk off the pitch I stayed until the end. But right now I don't want to go again. I feel excluded by some.

Being a little inspired by missing home.

I felt terribly homesick this morning, this has been brought about by my mother's insistence that I come home this summer followed by a dream about going home but not being able to see them. Mum and dad both know they won't realistically be able to come here; not together. I miss my family being close.
I cried a few small tears and held my daughter. She recognised my pain and immediately held me, tight and offered words of comfort. She is fast growing into an emotionally astute child. I see how much she yearns to protect me and keep me safe. She knows, as I do that that is in her arms I am my happiest and  we both know our relationship is better for the move we've made. Here we spend time with each other and I know it was in vogue to say this some time ago but it is quality time. We talk and communicate. I'm a lucky mum. She's becoming more and more independent and yet we're so much closer. Next academic year she'll be in my school. I hope the teenage years don't get in the way too much.

Accompanying the fleeting feeling of missing home she saw the importance of saying she too wanted to go home, for a visit. I don't think she really meant it. I get the feeling that Malawi is home for her in a way I hadn't imagined possible in 6 months. The UK is my home, but Malawi is growing to be home. Where she is, that's always going to be where my heart is.
With this a message from home reminded me of the love I have in the UK too and how secure my place there is. He makes me feel respected and valued with just a few sentences. It was the bolster I needed to get up and get on with the day and to remind me I can be an inspiration here too.
I hope so much that the most recent opportunity that has presented itself comes to fruition but I know that of this one doesn't, something will. I'm a seeker, I look for life in each encounter.

I'm happy to give that credit to VHL today.

Plus I should be able to get an MRI if I go back! ONe worry out of the way oh and I'll have amazing cheese and chocolate orange and buy a bra!