Just a tiny drop of milk

I've been making my dad tea for over 30 years.
He knows I know how he takes it.
Today I asked if he wanted a cup of tea and he said 'yes please, with a tiny drop off milk.'
I smiled.
I put the kettle on and thought about our relationship. It's good to see him but hard to understand him.
I then realised I knew about the milk but wasn't sure what type of cup I should use.
That had changed, maybe... It hadn't.

On a day I feel blessed I thought this a true blessing. Being able to make my dad a cup of tea the way he likes it.

He's off to a music festival and last week he went on a trip up a very large hill.

He is back to inspiring me.

And I'm surrounded by blessings.
A cheese and ham roll
Fresh milk
My bank card working instantly
The London transport system
Pate
Crumpets
A really good washing machine
Central heating
Consistent internet connection
The NHS
Next day delivery
Take away
A trip to the cinema

My mum
My dad
My sister
Her children
My childhood home

Laughing until my face hurts with my family

My health

The sun

Contact with my other home

The love and care and support from so many people

Their positively, compassion and prayers.

I have three homes.

I am blessed.

Tales of the Unexpected

I was not ready!

My head is still spinning but I have a stay of execution. I could bore you with the explanation but I'm exhausted from explaining. The long and short of it is no surgery, for now and maybe now for a long time.

If I die before I wake

Now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake,
I pray to God my soul to take.
If I should live for other days,
I pray the Lord to guide my ways.

Father, unto thee I pray,
Thou hast guarded me all day;
Safe I am while in thy sight,
Safely let me sleep tonight.
Bless my friends, the whole world bless;
Help me to learn helpfulness;
Keep me ever in thy sight;
So to all I say good night.

Doing some prep...

I'm off to he VHL clinic today. I'm preparing for it in the way I've done for years. Reminding myself of the names of staff I'm likely to meet and writing out the questions I want to ask, the things I need to check and information I think I should impart.
I'm writing it all down in my little book that I've used for years too.
I've gone over old medical letters, checked my facts and dates, ensured I know what my ideal scenario would be given the situation I don't want.
I'm ready.
And, as with each year I will be ready to hear whatever news and be ready to cry. I have tissues.
I'm ready to leave the room and then think of the questions I wish I'd asked. I'm ready to make the polite jokes, do the polite effort of saying how my dad is and despite the fact it is far from fine, I'm ready to say, he's fine. I'm ready to add to the list and I'm ready to find out, have number 14 grown, is number 12 the same and this time I'm ready for them to tell me about my kidney cancer.
Will I get to keep living this life I've carefully protected and clung onto?
I'll find out soon
Well, I'll find out where I am no, because with VHL one day is just that and who knows what tomorrow will look like.
And that's true for every one on this planet, but people like me know it.
Really know it.
and
I
am
ready

A time to cry

On a day I've held back tears, not because there is shame in them, but because I needed to keep stepping forward, I needed to feel I could face the next few minutes, I'm struck by Theresa May's final show of tears.
I wonder if she knows how empty they look.

I'm one of them

Today I said this

Speech wise, every moment of life is worth forgetting and remembering. You get to choose and with each step you take you keep deciding.

It just came out of me and it made me smile... The ability to be 'profound'
Funny really

Doing what you love

Last week we hosted a 'I'm going away for a bit but I'll be back' party
It summed up so much about what I love in life.
People.
I love connecting people.
When I see people I love find the parts of others that I knew they would love... That's satisfaction. No jealously. That's not me.
I see the joy of connection and commonality.

How many times can you die?

I sent an email yesterday to my work colleagues. I was my usual matter of fact, this is what this is, self.
What occurred to me, was the frequency of this notification. My sense of fraud.
The jeopardy.
She won't die.

But who has to do this?
Who lives this... This cycle, this endless expectation of pain and discomfort.
Even if I'm as fine as I am now.
How many times can I be close to death?
But never there, never enough.
I've read about convicts on death row. The inhuman treatment they receive. The mental torture of being aware you're going to die but it keeps being delayed.
Today, I feel little that's what VHL does.
Today I'm getting ready for this, tomorrow I might find out I'm properly fucked.

How many times can you know you're going to die?