Avoiding Facebook

My country is about to make a big decision and potentially so is my place of work.
I made a decision to temporarily stop following brain tumour, cancer survivors and VHL things on Facebook.

I hit the snooze for 30 days. 

I have too much in my head to think about that right now and I realised that I'm inundated with updates from strangers. Right now that's not healthy for me. I need a break.

I really need a break and in my small community that is hard to do.

If I could right now I'd go and spend a weekend at my mum and dad's. I'd go alone and I'd enjoy the solitude of the drive and the initial pampering from my mum and then I'd also enjoy the inevitable reality of their lives. Of course that wouldn't be escaping VHL, there in the adapted house that retains the memories of my childhood, despite the new room for my dad and the wheel chairs and scrapes, it would be my VHL. My story, the one that is most real to me.

Telling new people

As a teacher this is an annual event.
I don't gather any new students or staff around me and say... to understand me here's the list of scars and tumours, resected and remaining you should be aware of, but maybe I should.

Part of me thinks that no-one need ever know but there are stories, moments, medical wrist bands that signal a difference, and recently it's been the mental health side of my journey that has been most valid to express. Not least to acknowledge that I'm fine with my lot, today but there have been days where I wasn't.
It's a useful vulnerability as so many of us have the hidden battles and unseen scars of a life full of fear, anxiety, depression and stress. Seeing me strong and seeing me weaker is normal. I am a leader and I think there is so much importance in owning your faults, failures and struggles.
Here I am trying to do my best and sometimes I fall short and so do you. So let's try again together.

as luck would have it

Here I am. Alive and kicking.

Out with friends and coping with all the mundane reality 

My crainiverseary... 

Photos on your timeline

How many pictures do you have on your timeline in hospital?
Between me and my dad I have quite a few, the familiar lighting and flooring. The bed sheets and the scars.
I began to take a record when I took a picture of my dad's head before he was going in for more surgery.

For us both they tend to take away the scar that went before and replace it with a new one, a new part of our story.

What they take away belongs to us, a part of the process and journey and we're stronger for it., perhaps, yes in fact it is. My dad's body might not do what he wants it to do anymore but he's no less strong.

I am strong. 

when your confidence gets knocked

It's been a strange and difficult week at work. We've been inspected. 

I know I did everything I could during and I kept my integrity. I wasn't sure what that looked like in this context. Now I do.

It's been hard because I've seen others keep theirs and then one who hasn't. 

All this stress and emotion made me feel like I was disappearing into the fear of VHL. It's time like this when my resilience drops and I worry.

Pins and needles in both arms, light headed and tired. 

It isn't over but I can get up in the morning.