when you are isolated

It's clear that the world is never going to be the same. So many of us have now experienced, and continue to feel the acute anxiety that comes with such a huge amount of uncertainly.

As my family and friends are preparing for the inevitable lock down I am still struck by my previous experiences and how this fits in. I live with the fear and threat of VHL, right now one of my worries is the cancer in my kidneys and how it may or may not be growing and how I'll know. That thought sends a small tremor of worry through my gut. Frankly I don't know how I don't have IBS.

So often in my life I have held my worries silently in my head so as not to upset, freak out or annoy others. I have sat quietly and planned how I was going to survive the next moment. Most clearly were those three horrendous weeks lying in a hospital bed, most of it with my eyes closed and waiting for someone to say they might be able to tell me what was wrong and then waiting to see if someone was willing to fix me.

It's mostly just me and my thoughts and I don't bother many people with them, why would I, who would want to spread that. And then COVID 19 began to steal the security so many people feel, it has taken away the safety net of a comfortable life and exposed the fragility of life and I don't like seeing that worry and stress in others, in the people I love. And I want to stop them all. Protect them.
Keep busy, make sensible plans, distract yourself, look at the silver linings, be as positive as you can an cry when you need to, keep your chin up and remember:

everything passes, the good and the bad

COVID 19 and me

As far as I know, currently I don't have it.

Today the world suddenly seemed to get a taste of what a constant medical threat feels like. This virus is showing each part of the world how it feels to be unsure what the next few weeks, months and coming year has in store. 

Those of us who have lived with yearly results know this feeling. Frequently having bad news and not being sure about your health.

I'm nervous about what this new threat means. I'm worried for so many people, the ones I know and the millions I don't.

I'm disappointed by the disruption.

I'm also intrigued by the panic. 

I'm considering putting a few more tins in the cupboard.

My draw of UHT milk is full.

when your past sneaks in

I had what you could refer to as a re-laps. Nothing medical, all emotional.

I didn't know how to say, slow down, let me do this properly, this is my new place. Partly because I was so excited by the idea of it all, partly because I want that time to be made right. Even though in so many ways it was I wanted to share some of what wonder there is here.

And then there is was, someone here acting like someone there and my defences went up and my fear crept in and my worry spiked and I sat on the steps and tried not to cry, tried to fix everything. Got overwhelmed by the enormity of all of here and so I did what I always do - I got on with my day job. I retreated into work, even though this is all about work.

My strong and competent layer trying to stay there, and without knowing someone did it just the wrong way. I was right back at that oval table, eyes on me, answer, give details, and I felt the challenge and I knew I'd gone about it all wrong.

But I found solace in a friend and the compassion she has and the way she knows me and I cried more, let it out, said all the irrationality out loud and was able to take a step forward and as this occurred my guardian angel reached out and there too I could clam myself and know I could make the right choice, for the right reasons.