Facebook memories

It's this time of year when Facebook reminds me of that time.

6 years now, 6 years I really didn't think I'd have on some of those days. 6 years that have made it such a joy to be able to do everything and nothing that I do. 

And although the slight layer of fear persists that it could happen again, this year there has been a break through. This year I know about a drug and this year, maybe I'll be able to have a scan in a machine just 30 mins drive away. 

This year I'm feeling great. 

how she died

I wonder what it was like for my Gran, the one I never met, that my dad hardly knew. I wonder what her death was like. Dying of a brain tumour. 

I'm guessing not great. 

I suspect it's why my dad wasn't allowed to see her. 

He didn't talk about it. 

Nothing to report, he would say. 

My grandad didn't either. 

But I wonder. 

my friend...

A pal of mine is having brain surgery today. It's the 6 year anniversary that I was admitted into hospital for my second brain tumour. Somehow this has made me believe this is a good sign. The connection. 

She needs to make it through. 

I don't remember

I do.

I remember being so utterly helpless and so in need of someone to help me take a shit in a bed.

I remember only being able to piss a little bit at a time.

I remember being on my period and not being able to change my tampon or pad.

I remember not being able to feed myself.

I remember seeing the pity in their eyes

I remember the indifference in yours.

I remember being totally reliant on others, you. 

I won't ever forget. 

It's not ok that you don't remember. 

It's not ok to have forgotten.

It's not ok that you did it all so easily.

I don't want to be my dad.

I don't want to go through that again.

I don't want you to have found it so easy.

Then, a small glance of it. A moment where I got to care. We don't talk about it. 

I tell you I love you. I don't think you noticed.

I've walked away from a moment where I tried to connect, tried to get you to notice me. 

I often think we've lasted this long because you don't.  

There will always be a reason why I'm wrong. Why I didn't get it right. I'm used to it. I'll keep going. Probably because I do actually love you. You're really rather amazing and brilliant. I'm not the same as you. Never could be, never will be. 

Sometimes a new person sees me. 

Tonight you tried to laugh at that. It worked. I stopped myself being seen. That's ok, you worry that who I am isn't that great. You don't want me to embarrass myself. 

That's why I've hidden in the shower cubicle. That's why I'm only going to come out in a bit. That's why. 

happy birthday

It's been a hard week, I don't recall feeling this level of grief for a long time. When after his death it seemed easier. I think it's the feeling of being so impossibly far away from home. 

I've felt simply sad.