The wrong time to decide

 this is a place where I have been so very happy, a place that feels like it saved me. I had a really good chat with one of my favourite people yesterday and she knows me so well. We are torn, we are undecided, but I think maybe it is time for the next step. 

I worry that what has kept me so healthy and well is this place, the air, the lifestyle, the calm. I just don't feel as stressed, even when we face turmoil over COVID, staff issues, devaluation, none of it gets into my bones like it did in London. 

The chat helped me reflected on what it was about London and the truth is I haven't meant London, I've meant my last job. A place that I at first thrived in and then almost drowned in. I never gave myself the chance to say just how horrific the brain tumour was, just how terrible that small and endless month of hospital was, how I wanted to ruin my own life, all that made me feel safe because then I was in control of the disaster and yet, in the end what we did together was make a big change. It needed to be big.

Maybe now is the right time to acknowledge that we need to see how we fair in the real world. Maybe make some choices on how we live again. Maybe. 

I'm torn. 

More cancer - not mine

 I see her as a reflection of my story in some ways. We met at an NCT group, our children just weeks in age apart. they still laugh and play together now, even if it is on Minecraft and 8000km apart. 

She had a brain tumour removed not that long ago and has just had emergency surgery to remove cancer in her bowel. 

It is perhaps what my story could have looked like if I'd been the first in my family. But because I'm not, because of that clever Dr, who asked my dad the right questions and joined the dots, I get scanned and screened. I get to find out slowly and before (usually) it gets too dangerous. I have the luxury of waiting and not always knowing but at least I do. 

I want to wrap her in my arms and tell her it's all going to be ok, and it has to be, for her and for her boy. They got most of it. She'll do chemo. She is one tough cookie. I wish she didn't have to be. 

So I will wait - happily lucky that I get to

Thank you VHL alliance

 I waited until I was back from my holiday, despite the temptation, to ask for the scan report. It came back within the hour. That was impressive. I read it and compared it to the last full report I have. 

Then I had a little wobble. 

I sent the report onto my Prof's secretary, with the sing song tone that says - I don't want to bother you but I want you to look. And I got a reply within the hour. Not an answer but I know I've been acknowledged and now I will have to wait. I can do that.

Then I had a little cry and got a hug from my husband. We talked it through, best to wait. The report didn't seem very thorough, the MRI machine wasn't as high a T number as the others, they could be looking from a different angle. I quickly calculated a thousand different outcomes, the best being  - we can still wait and the worst - well... going back to the fear I felt in 2013. I even began to think of the cost of more scans. Would my insurance cover it? I have savings - I can use those. When would be a good time of year for surgery. Then my calm husband held me again. Breath and just wait. 

I thought about telling my mum  - but she worries and I don't want her to, so I looked again at the report. And did a bit of googling, before finding my way to the place on the internet I should have started with! 

Kidney Cysts, Renal Cell Carcinoma : VHL Alliance

this bit

Cysts are generally not considered sufficient cause to operate, even if large. In the rare event a tumor is present in the wall of a cyst, it will be important to watch the size of that solid tumor, not of the cyst.

and this bit helped 

Tumors typically grow in steps, with periods of little to no growth followed by periods of rapid growth. Looking at tumor growth over a number of years, NIH has found the average growth rate is 3-4 mm per year. Generally, growth greater than 5 mm over a year is considered accelerated.

and so the left one has gone from 13 x 12 mm to  29 x 23 mm cystic lesion

no news on the right one

I'll wait

just wait

scan connoisseur

I know a few MRI machines well, one I consider I've had an on going long term relationship with, although I have been seeing his brother on the side. I've had a couple of one night stands with some, holiday flings really. 

And then there's the first, you never forget your first. In my home town. He was new to the area, my family knew him. I haven't seen him for years.