I had a cry yesterday and I wasn't sure quite why, but it had something to do with the pain of missing Daren, my brother and my dad. I miss other people but them the most. I think my current situation has stalled some of my worry about other things, no bad thing. VHL isn't really featuring in my life right now - as in it's not my main worry, not my main pain or fear.
I did get annoyed by a friend the other day. He was talking about a woman he admired who had survived cancer, he looked wide eyed and full of awe. I quipped - 'the best people have it' or something like that but he didn't pick up my need for a similar admiration. In fact he looked like I had said something strange. It was ignored but I kept it. It irritated me, not least because I got the feeling that I'm not considered so brave, such a survivor by him and I wanted to be. Later that week while walking and talking with another friend I mentioned it, because I'd been so annoyed by it. She proposed that it was because I hadn't had the cancer everyone sees on TV, I hadn't had what he might consider 'proper' cancer. No hair loss, (obviously we're not counting the hair shaved off for brain surgery) no chemotherapy.
I get back to work too - now this other friend knew me when I was off with nasty tumour number 2.
I remained cross and despite the reality that people don't think you're as brave if your not throwing up and looking net to death, then you haven't been through it. Well I have, actually I've been through it more than most, I have had 6 lot of stuff cut out of me. That isn't an easy journey and it isn't nice or easy and I want to scream sometimes when I think of what will happen if I get a tumour that can't be cut out - or if I run out of kidneys. What if I lose the use of parts of my body, like my dad did. I do brave face because it's easier most of the time but I do expect people to see me.