hospital

Surgical review today. Feels almost pointless - except I'll maybe get some reassurance about the ongoing pain. But I'd fault just keep trundling along with it. No fuss. 

a book

I've just finished a book that's made me think and feel. 

I usually read to not do those things. 

But I also loved it and just want to fast forward a few months to a time when I think I'm going to be well and happy. 

I never normally want to wish my life away. But today I am not looking forward to my daughter leaving. I'm feeling like this next little bit of life is going to be sad.

I am feeling sad and unsure. 

I don't like it. It's not who I tend to be. I don't think. 

sadness

 I am feeling sad, I crave security and I have so much of it but at the same time it feels like dry sand in my hand. 

I have so much and yet I have this feeling of mild fear that I am trying not to let get out of control. The fragility of all I do have, I am trying not to worry, trying to see the possibilities but keep coming back to the dull ache of 'but what if' 

So many times in my life I've had to face adversity. I am tired of it. I want interesting but not peril. I want fun not fear. 

RTW

 For once I am taking my own advice and I think partly why this is possible is due to the level of support I feel from the colleagues around me. I am doing a proper phased return, And today I knew I would have been able to stay longer but I also knew that would mean I would be in pain all evening. So I went home when I had planned. 

I am proud of myself for doing this. I am grateful that I can and that I have a sensible sense of myself and what I should be doing.