I HATE IT

I hate it, I hate it I hate it. It creeps in and nibbles away at the perfectly good life you live. Why the rant well VHL does it’s bloody trick again.
I had an appointment with my prof and all was well. All of us in good spirits and off we went happy as the day was long. Then at about 8pm I suddenly experienced a strange change in my sight, a swirling kaleidoscope circle in my left field of vision. I carried on hoovering, naturally but when I’d finished I went into the kitchen to my partner who was finishing making dinner and I told him.

Nothing to say; perhaps a lead into a migraine. But I’ve never had one it just sounded like it might be. As I was eating my left hand filled with pins and needles. I sat up as instructed by my partner who said I may be leaning on something. My nose started to tingle too; like it does when I’ve had injections to numb it. It was now about 9pm and I was worried. I went up to the toilet and when I came back down the left side of my tongue was also tingling. We decided to go to A&E.

Now if it was just me I probably would have sat it out and stayed at home and seen what I felt like in the morning but it isn’t just me anymore. 37 weeks of a daughter is inside and we felt we should see a doctor. If I was ‘normal’ then I may well have gone to A&E because of the combination of symptoms and I’m not normal. And as all the symptoms faded I felt like such a fraud.

Even as I was taken very seriously and the baby was fine and the trace of her heart showed her to be completely unaffected and as they asked if I would agree to staying in over night and as I said no and as I said I’ll phone my prof in the morning and as the Doctor there did the neurological tests and said that it did sound like the symptoms of a stroke; which she said in such a blasé fashion I wondered if people had them all the time and even as my partners normally ever so calm face remained slightly sullen I did, I felt like I was a fraud and was wasting everyone’s time.

So now I’m sitting on my third day of maternity leave full of anxiety and typing away here to off load. Pissed off that the VHL monster has managed to take my calm and take my security. Again.