Counting blessings again

I'm crying, I feel very low and I have some minor silly things that are of little consequence running over and over in my mind. I can't shake it.;
My hormones are rather fucked I think, I'm tired and I feel lonely.
I was dreading a night out last night, with work friends because I didn't know what to expect, how I would feel and it was good in the end. And most of today I felt ok too but it's hard not being well.
My dad never complains, never, well not in my earshot. He doesn't moan and apparently neither do I. A few people have pointed this out to me recently, I do!
I've made steps, I've driven, been into work twice, travelled on a bus and had a drink of the alcoholic variety. Progress right? So suddenly I feel like shit and I went and sat in a dark room and cried and then found someone to hug and thought of the things I should be grateful for.
My daughter
My amazing friends
Having a family
My home
A secure job - even if I don't feel welcome - and why is that well I think my boss might be very good at drawing out my anxiety. You just don't always need to tell someone they are disliked, or not doing something 100% perfectly, because I'll admit it I'm playing at being ok, that awful phrase, fake it until you make it. I'm vulnerable and I'm trying to get back.
The CBT didn't work, there was nothing there I hadn't already thought of or tried but, as we now know, my brain wasn't right and I don't think my hormones were ok, I've certainly slept better since the tumour and cyst were removed.
I'm not officially back at work, right now, very unusually for me I never want to go back.Right now I want to curl up and stay away from almost everything and I know there are only a few things that have a chance of making me feel better, this is one of them, have a good cry and count my blessings

I'm not poor - in fact we are in a good financial position -
I don't live in a war zone or under a dictatorship
I don't feel like I did in November - but I'm terrified of something similar happening again.
I'm loved and valued by others
I'm not bad looking and I don't look all of my years, considering how physically and emotionally hard those have been that's good. I need to put on weight.

One of the toasts last night, said just the once but meant a lot to me was along the lines of, to me not being dead. And I'm not dead, possibly a little brain damaged, maybe permanently but not enough to stop me, not completely. A very good friend came to see me the other day and we talked, she let me talk lots and lots but it was so helpful to hear her tell me that getting on with my life was normal, right and ok. This is hard and right now, no matter how much I try I don't feel like I am coping. I'm not. Perhaps it's not even VHL, perhaps it's other things, things I also have no control over.

That bucket list might need a review - I need something to aim for and not just getting back to normal.

Perhaps what has brought all this on is the volume of TV I've been watching, the banality of human life and the averageness of life, I get excitement but does it have to be related to medical crisis and general - you can't have that.