The difficult week

This week every year is hard, the hump in the road that I know I have to get over.
It was even harder this year, I woke up on the 15th knowing it already hurt. I warned a colleague and cried on way to work. I got through the first couple of hours. Then I cried again, I sucked it up and got through another 2 and then I couldn't quite do it. A word of kindness at just the wrong moment and I was gone and for the rest of the day the tears fell.
They fell while I did my job, only in the cover lesson did I just about hold on. I cried watching my daughter swim. I cried silently while we drove home. I cried while I cooked dinner. I cried answering emails, I cried myself to sleep.
I cried because I miss my brother so much, I cried because I was relieved, I was sad, I felt alone, I felt loved and rejected. I cried for all these reasons and some more besides.

I cried because I couldn't have what I wanted.

Grief took me over for that day, and I let it because I was allowed on that day.

I need another day where I'm allowed to do that. I may have to wait until next year now.