Sleepless and Ofsted

The alarm will go off soon. I've been awake for at least an hour. Things are sad here in my head.
I'll go to work today and hope I don't fuck up. My confidence is so very low.
I'm thinking of how to escape rather than change this morning.
My husband held me a few weeks ago while I cried and told me ' you're good at your job.'
I don't feel like it... I'm good at some bits. What's the difference between being challenged and told off. What's the difference between being held to account and hounded? The leader?
I find myself absorbing what I can but it isn't working.
And I am working, hours and hours of over time. I feel guilty if I take a night off.

Ofsted looms darkly on my well being. It seems like a cancer diagnosis. Hovering in the background, will we be told we're in remission or that there are tumours to be cut out, or worse a long poisonous treatment of chemotherapy...

I'm a leader, I'm not leading... I hope I'm not because I'm drowning and I don't want to take anyone with me.

Oh and I don't know my data back to front.