I got through that day, a sad and horrible day. I had told so many people about her death, a student, and then I tried to carry on.
My last day at school - My boss was out and I had sat on a chair for the entire lesson. My colleague knew my face was 'not right' and kindly offered to do my lunch duty.
I called my GP to chase the information about the cyber knife.
I cried and I knew I had to go home, I hadn't felt that tried in so very long.
It always felt better if I could just lie down.
Even today, if I feel especially tired I worry something is going on in my brain.
I still marvel at just how I got out of my friend's car and had my bloods done, how the next day I even made it as far as the end of my road and I sometimes drift back to those hideous moments when I was unable to move. My daughter dressing me, helping me clean my teeth, how I asked for my husband to come back from his business trip early and, thank god, he did.
And then in the first hospital. I had been lying down for a long time, still and rested. I felt like I'd made such a fuss, no cortisone crisis, not feeling that bad. There are moments when you recognise the brilliance and simplicity of the medical process. It was my blood pressure that gave it away, you are not fine.
A crash from lying to standing, the nurse, reaching out his arm to hold me, fearful I was about to faint.
My hospital having me in, the sedatives to help me move from bed to bed, I could still walk a bit then.
The worst of all moments, the unknown and the real crash, my body began to go into shock, the blood retreating into my internal organs, the sudden and complete spread of pins and needles and the loss of sight. The panic as I couldn't find the alarm
HELP HELP ME HELP
The bumbling Dr who couldn't find a vein - no wonder my blood had been sucked towards my heart.
I begged to be catheterised, the idea of getting up again too much to take, the need of a bed pan and the change of myself.
The MRI - the fear and my genetic nurse, a woman who made me feel less alone and knew she had to call my mum.
36 years old and I needed my mum.
Then a wait and another transfer, just a few miles away but I didn't know then how long I was going to wait.
I remember my mum's fierce instance that even touching the edge of the bed was horrible for me. And despite having never experienced it themselves my mum and husband knew -this isn't like her.
3 weeks of progressively unbearable dizziness. But bare it I had to, no choice.
Despair.
Infections, bloods, a drip, a mouthful of food and only for my daughter, I kept going for her.
I didn't want to be alive even though I didn't want to die.
It was the hardest time in so many ways.
It ended.
The NHS was there for me. And I mean the people and the experience, equipment and care.
I am worried for myself not having it in the future and I worry for everyone else who might need it. And my heart pounds at the injustice of life that some people don't even get insurance.
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