Understanding the time line

We've spent time catching up - it's a lovely phrase and a lovely thing to do. Sitting with family, making sure we all know the main events of the last year or so, the big ones to come.
My cousins have been in life for a very long time and I find it strange still to know they are grown up and adults. They will always be my little cousins.

Yesterday we talked of my dad, they have spent more real time with him in the last year than I have. I thirst for their experience and want to know the details. Their perspective. I think it will help me next week when I am with him and when I see him again in all his disability.
I find it so hard to see anything else and part of me is a little ashamed of that.
My excuse - I don't want to see that reflection in my mirror. I comfort myself that that won't be me but I know, logically and emotionally that it could be, different but the same.

I don't say it often, but yesterday in response to a common question about plans, I reminded my husband that both brain tumours have caused issues in an unplanned way, both were not in the routine scan phase, both caught me and everyone else, Drs included, off guard. I checked my little girl wasn't in ear shot when I said it. I need to protect her from unnecessary worry, she's like me that way.

I have a headache today, and my husband has noticed I'm guarding my left side more. When he notices things they feel bigger. I've felt a change in my blood pressure. But then I know that in recent days I've changed my routine, done more exercise, haven't had any drink for a couple of days and started taking my hydrocortisone more regularly. I'm looking after myself and yet I can't sleep well and I'm more worried than before. Too much time to think, too much time to worry and I do.

How long can my current dream last? Anyone's guess.

I cope by making a variety of plans, by putting some money aside so I know I can pay for a stupidly expensive flight and operation if needed. I plan for next year, 2 years and more. I pretend I know what I'll be doing in 10 years time but that always stays vague, and usually - be a Head Teacher. It's a realistic goal and one that keeps me focused on what I think I can do. I'm not sure I want to be there, a big job and stressful. I think I'd be good at it.

Real life keeps me going.