morning after

When I was younger I told myself I shouldn't have children. I told my husband this too, he was a boyfriend back then. 

Then surprise, the best surprise and even better, despite the odds, no VHL.

Phew, dodged the bullet. 

She knows that the surprise was because he father and I got drunk, lacked the necessary contraception and didn't worry about it. We are lucky that we didn't. 

My pregnancy was consultant led and actually stress free, a few tumours grew but more importantly so she she, strong and ready to be taken out by c-section. There were risks and some complications but 13 years on we know how that part of the story worked out. 

Sometimes my period is a little late. I have a small worrying few days. Normally though it's just that. I'm not a young woman anymore and right now I have various tumours and two kidneys with renal carcinoma. 

Last week my husband and I had an unclear moment. We discussed in the morning, we think we were fine. As the week progressed my worry grew, my feeling that it would be a very bad thing to be pregnant. I couldn't stay here, could I? 

I would need to seek another solution.

I am too old. I am afraid to risk VHL for me and it. I woke in the night, aware that my period tracking app was telling me my period was 1 day late. Just one. Only one. Enough to make me cry. Enough to wake my husband and tell him all the things I'm afraid of. Enough for us to be awake and discuss it all. I've never shared the level of far I have around this. The part of me that desires another child and knowing how selfish that is. He knows my Catholic roots and he knows what I've been taught to believe about souls and life and the guilt at even considering our choices. 

I googled being pregnant with kidney cancer. 

He googled my options. 

I cried and he held me. 

I knew it was just one day. I knew I'd spiraled into a state of panic. He listened, supported and I expect felt responsible. 

I worried how my child, the teenage one would react. I imagined who would judge me. I worried about if I'd need time off work. I began to plan for a variety of eventualities. I told him about other times in my life when the idea of being pregnant had terrified me. 

Still he listened. 

I thanked him for not dismissing me, he completely recognised why I felt the way I did, and so with my sense of not being alone, and that we'd figure it all out together, no matter what and after a discussion of the reliability of the tracking app, I got some sleep. 

By noon today my period came.

By 4pm he'd decided to call our Dr about getting a vasectomy. 

I think that will really help!