Just about coping

 Today I had a moment of repetition, like the time 7 or so years ago on the yellow staircase at my school, holding onto the banister and breathing, telling myself out loud, 'you can do this'. Then I held back tears, not because it's wrong to cry but I need to cry when I am not trying to cope. 

'You can do this.' 

I did then and I will now. I'm holing onto the stress and softly said to my husband today, I don't think I'll be able to relax until the scan results. 

'Of course' he confirmed and the simplicity of his reply helped, reminded me that I'm just about coping, but that's remarkable. 

The layers of stress are thick too, it's not just an annual scan, it's moving from our relative safety, it's the need of paper work, it's the COVID test first, the bloods, the new hospital and the complete unknown of how my team get to see the scans. My child, my friends, my family, all quietly worrying too. 

I'm not going to have a drink tonight. I'm going to sleep and maybe have a good cry.