I don't remember

I do.

I remember being so utterly helpless and so in need of someone to help me take a shit in a bed.

I remember only being able to piss a little bit at a time.

I remember being on my period and not being able to change my tampon or pad.

I remember not being able to feed myself.

I remember seeing the pity in their eyes

I remember the indifference in yours.

I remember being totally reliant on others, you. 

I won't ever forget. 

It's not ok that you don't remember. 

It's not ok to have forgotten.

It's not ok that you did it all so easily.

I don't want to be my dad.

I don't want to go through that again.

I don't want you to have found it so easy.

Then, a small glance of it. A moment where I got to care. We don't talk about it. 

I tell you I love you. I don't think you noticed.

I've walked away from a moment where I tried to connect, tried to get you to notice me. 

I often think we've lasted this long because you don't.  

There will always be a reason why I'm wrong. Why I didn't get it right. I'm used to it. I'll keep going. Probably because I do actually love you. You're really rather amazing and brilliant. I'm not the same as you. Never could be, never will be. 

Sometimes a new person sees me. 

Tonight you tried to laugh at that. It worked. I stopped myself being seen. That's ok, you worry that who I am isn't that great. You don't want me to embarrass myself. 

That's why I've hidden in the shower cubicle. That's why I'm only going to come out in a bit. That's why.