I didn't know I would miss you this much

I'm looking out over a cloud covered sky, listening to waves crash into the side of the room I'm in, the beauty and power a welcome reminder of how blessed I am. I'm in a little bit of pain and I just offered a small request up. I call on those who should be 'up there' knowing that if they can they would definitely help. And I remember that my dad is now there too. I'm not used to him being on the list, nearly a year on. So I ask him. Then I do my superstition of, oh but wait, what if he's only allowed to help a little bit. I should save this for some bigger stuff. 

And then I think of his suffering, he just didn't really complain or burden me with it. I didn't know really, except of course we did. And that soft layer of missing him bubbles up and I feel sad. I want to just check in on him. My dad. Gone. 

pain in the arse

It is getting better. Healing. A slow process when you are going through it and every so fast on reflection. 

This time, a break is a time to rest and sleep. I'm happy with myself for managing lent so far. It's been interesting to have been battling with my body though. It's not behaving as I'd hoped. 

My arse, my armpit and my finger. 

But I was reminded yesterday by someone I hope dear, that it's not fighting me as much as it could. We've had rougher patches. 

She's going through a battle with her body and she doesn't know what and who she can trust. It reminded me of those times I haven't known if it's all really real. When the cure feels worse than the disease. The lack of pain or disability but to be told... 

It's time. Time to cut you open, time to intervene and stop it. Time to take the risk. Time to sign the yellow paper. 

my bum hurts

VHL sucks, I'm glad I get scanned, but I know I'm happy to put them off, until the doubt gets in.

This week however I have a non VHL related medical issue that I'm living with and it's nasty. So I've self diagnosed, self medicated and now I'm at the, why don't you just go to a Dr stage in my head and then quietly and stubbornly replying; I don't want to be in a hospital. It can wait, it will sort itself out soon. 

The fact I can't sit down for the pain should be shutting that other voice up. Nope. It wins. E v e r y time. 

Same with my current broken finger which looks odd... I just don't do Drs unless I have to.

Ummm... What is have to?