I didn't know I would miss you this much

I'm looking out over a cloud covered sky, listening to waves crash into the side of the room I'm in, the beauty and power a welcome reminder of how blessed I am. I'm in a little bit of pain and I just offered a small request up. I call on those who should be 'up there' knowing that if they can they would definitely help. And I remember that my dad is now there too. I'm not used to him being on the list, nearly a year on. So I ask him. Then I do my superstition of, oh but wait, what if he's only allowed to help a little bit. I should save this for some bigger stuff. 

And then I think of his suffering, he just didn't really complain or burden me with it. I didn't know really, except of course we did. And that soft layer of missing him bubbles up and I feel sad. I want to just check in on him. My dad. Gone.