The wrong time to decide

 this is a place where I have been so very happy, a place that feels like it saved me. I had a really good chat with one of my favourite people yesterday and she knows me so well. We are torn, we are undecided, but I think maybe it is time for the next step. 

I worry that what has kept me so healthy and well is this place, the air, the lifestyle, the calm. I just don't feel as stressed, even when we face turmoil over COVID, staff issues, devaluation, none of it gets into my bones like it did in London. 

The chat helped me reflected on what it was about London and the truth is I haven't meant London, I've meant my last job. A place that I at first thrived in and then almost drowned in. I never gave myself the chance to say just how horrific the brain tumour was, just how terrible that small and endless month of hospital was, how I wanted to ruin my own life, all that made me feel safe because then I was in control of the disaster and yet, in the end what we did together was make a big change. It needed to be big.

Maybe now is the right time to acknowledge that we need to see how we fair in the real world. Maybe make some choices on how we live again. Maybe. 

I'm torn.