I've been very tearful today and finally had a good cry. Simply put, although I know it's the right thing to do for so many reasons, I don't really want to be doing this. It isn't helping that I miss my family loads and that they are in the sun and I'm in a jumper.
I was just, essentially, coached by my clever and logical husband and decided to put my energy into the job I want more. I have no idea if that's the right choice. If I could I would fly back now and just accept I don't have a job. I want so much to hold my baby girl and be held by my man.
It's hard to maintain the joy of London when I want to be sharing it with them.
Tonight I want to sleep well and prepare and feel as ready as I can.
I want to be able to do my best.
I want to be appreciated for all I can offer.
I want to want the job.
I wish I was better at finding out what I want.
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