low

My mother in law is worried about me. She's spent a couple of days here and I suspect she can see a version of me that I really don't want to be. I told her that, 

I'm finding it hard to motivate myself to get out of bed. I didn't want to start the garden. I can't buy things, when I do I feel like they don't look good. I'm getting low. 

Her suggestion of pills isn't one I can consider. I know they help others but the one time in tried it was horrible. And I'm not depressed - I'm a bit sad and I'm adjusting. It's going to take time. It's going to take some effort and I can do it. 

Part of it is the wait. The MRI has happened - but I haven't had a reply to when I have clinic - there emails to three different people and no reply. I don't even know the date of it. Some time in September. I might not be booked in. So maybe October.

I'm sure this is the year they say the kidney cancer needs to come out. 

I'm sure this is the year I have a new something.

I'm sure this is the year I have been ignoring, mostly successfully, for 6 years. 

My mind races, it sends me off into the worst fears, it runs towards the imagined conversations with new bosses. 

Starting at a new school - I've already reminded myself I need to find HR, go tell the school nurse about my hydrocortisone - make sure someone there knows what to do, in an emergency. Then the thing you have to do when you have a day off for clinic. I'm sure that's why my dad used to have us all seen in the holidays. Not just to not miss work, but to avoid the questions. 

Oh poor me! I can feel my frustration at myself. I could have more time. But I'm back to being on 6month stays of execution. I have technically been for years, I just haven't done it. My Catholic side is of course telling me it's my fault, you buried your head and now you'll pay for the fun you had. 

I fluctuate daily from happy to worried to anxious. But it is getting better. 

I just need that appointment. I can cope better when I know.