tribute

I've experienced a lot of grief in my life. Some simple and some less so. Your death is both. 

I'm torn between understanding and confusion. I'm not angry, I'm not frustrated. I'm terribly sad. I just want to talk to you. To catch up. To say the silly things and all the profound ones too. That, after all, was us. We saw life in it's extremes and it's silliness. We wrote love songs. Because we knew the hurt and bliss of it. 

I can't imagine singing now. Not that I only ever did that with you. But I experienced the best with you. 

And as I type I know, perhaps you and I could have made a song out of this. 

Finding out more

 Today I found out a little more of my Daren's last days and how he took his life. 

Perhaps it will help me process this, but right now I am not sure. There is a letter, one that was for all of us. There are drafts too I'm told, post it notes on how to look after the animals left behind. It was no accident, no cry for help, no whim. He really needed to not be alive anymore -that's what he must have believed. 

We all feel some kind of responsibility when someone does this but we don't if someone has cancer or a tumour - and this was an illness because my Daren simply would not have left us with this pain if he felt he had a choice. I don't believe his actions were a choice. He was very ill and it took his life.