Holy day of obligation

My birthday went well, I stuck to my resolve and it felt good.
I went to mass, and as uneventful as that used to be, this time I bumped into one of my old teachers and had a nice chat with the man in the pew in front of me while the holy ones went for communion. He asked why I was't going up, right there, I knew, "you're not catholic", we don't ask we silently judge. I was right, of course.

The words have changed a bit since I last went, much more 'with your spirit' and it felt a bit Handmaids Tale. I wondered if I would feel differently, it feels comfortable and safe in church. I know it, I know the routine - I was annoyed they have changed some of the words. The pattern and routine of mass was such a familiar part of my life for over 20 years.

The first reading made me smile, it sounded mystical, something about dragons with 7 heads and more crowns and then the second reading was one I remember hearing, about Mary's visit to Elizabeth. I was amused by the last line. 'And she stayed about 3 months.' So ordinary, so like my life, 'oh we're staying for a couple if weeks. The sermon did its trick, the priest related the Gospel, the feast and the readings to us, to our lives. How we have accepted the struggles since we were Baptised. Umm, nope, I didn't, I don't recall the event, let alone the acceptance of the struggles of life. My mum has lost a son, she lives a burden and she is suffering, we didn't choose this.

Later that afternoon my friend came over, I've known her since I was 11. We know each other well. It was a lovely normal catch up. I recognised how now, that in our 40s life's struggles have been with us both. Possibly in equal measure.

And in the early evening, we went for a  meal at our local Indian and it was good, I sat next to my dad, I helped him, I made sure he ate and didn't spill, I tried to keep him in the conversation loop, but it felt forced. He fell asleep a few times. I wasn't sure how he found it, I was afraid to ask. I look at him and I can't help but see a possible future. How will I manage it, will I let my daughter feed me in a restaurant?

He wouldn't do it if he didn't want to. I know that.