Those comments from that man

I have been very troubled by JCs writing in The Sun. I immediately got the GoT reference. And that's because I found that scene one of the most disturbing moments of TV I had seen. There are others, usually a rape scene, done all too well. Those and that scene, her walking having just had her hair roughly cut and stripped naked, paraded in that way made my stomach turn. It still haunts me, when I recall it, accidently or because it is presented, I feel a visceral unease. It was deeply unpleasant and although fiction I felt it summed up so much about hatred thrown at women. How we must be punished for doing what men do. thinking of it makes me feel vulnerable and afraid. It felt all too real and very possible, because this happens to women, metaphorically and physically. 

For him to reference it and for that to be being used as an excuse has made me physically angry. I am appalled by it. Horrified it was allowed to be put into the public domain and all for money. It will have caused more men and sadly women to believe this level of hatred and violence is not only acceptable but normal. It will have validated many with whom misogyny is part of their every day, and may well have concreted the rationale for such a mindset for many more.

I am grateful to every person who has been as angry about it as me and has spoken out, including his daughter and I am in disbelief at anyone who can defend his words or the paper for allowing it to go to print. One prominent Headteacher and I think behaviour tzar has tried to minimise this. I have no respect for that view and cannot fathom why she waded in. I have seen girls come to school distress at their hair being cut as a punishment, I have talked to girls and women for whom being stripped has been used as a punishment, I have known the fear of just the threat of if can produce. How can anyone minimise the intent behind those words. 

how much to declare

 I'm applying for jobs. There is always the confidential section. Last time I was applying in the UK I ended up having to disclose to the HR department. I'm not sure if I do need to do that. 

What if I get a job and then, within quick succession I need an operation. Currently my situation is stable but I know that kidney one is near needing something doing. Could even be now, could even be before, could still be a few years. If I have stuff done over the summer break I could even be in out and done before anyone would even know. 

There I go, thinking through it all, over thinking, and then I wonder. How, when you don't know me, would you take it. 

Do I say - oh and just as a final thought, I have a disease which probably won't be an issue but I do, well sort of have cancer. 

not VHL a different disability

I recently explained to teacher

'if you're dyslexic, it's always about dyslexia.'

I don't know if he got it. 

I'm high functioning. The most obvious part to those I work with is my spelling. Some people don't get it.

Tying my laces 

Reading the time from a clock

Remembering a short conversation

Time

Timetable

All sorts... If you don't get it, you don't see it. 

If you don't get it you don't see how much we adapt and learn ways to thrive

being with fellow know how it is peeps

 I had pizza with a pal last night who just gets it. She and I both have a disease that means results day is always more of a  - can I live my next 6months roughly the same as I just have or maybe a bit better?

I am going to miss being there for her face to face and I'm going to miss her laugh. She laughs with her whole self. 

What's great is that we do still find ways to laugh and it means the world to me.

cat's out the bag

 the news that we are leaving hasn't gone down well. Which is nice. Some tears and some expressions of sadness. Not all mine 

Perfect day

 toady I got up and made myself a cup of tea, and then I finished a jigsaw, made a fried egg sandwich and then did a bit of tidying up. I sorted the water and  brushed my teeth. I looked at social media and posted about why  today mattered. I had a cuppa with a friend, I worked on some stuff and made myself a crumpet with marmite (a real treat) I helped my daughter with an application and I kissed my husband. I planted some seeds and planted out some seedlings. I washed up, twice, maybe three times if you count the little bit in between. I walked around and I smiled. I contacted friends and I watched something on Netflix. I made dinner for my family. I had a bath and scrubbed my skin and washed my hair. I'm typing this now, still smiling. 

A perfect day because I'm living it, unaided and full of gratitude to all the people who made sure I am here. It's my 7 year craniversary. I don't remember the date of my first brain tumour operation. I know that one was in January. I saved the date of this one. It really was a frightening time. I went into that operating theatre not knowing how I would come out, who I would be, even if I'd be alive. Not the first time, but this time, I wasn't sure if I wanted to be alive at the end if I was going to stay the woman who couldn't move for fear of the consequences, who would have given up completely if it had been possible just a few days before, a thinner version of the person who had been admitted 3 weeks before, a person who wasn't sure if she liked herself. 

And so today I'm allowing myself to be happy as I do most days now. I'm lucky. 

off to church

 to go with my mum, it's not a place I feel I belong anymore. I get it and I am grateful for what the church, and by that I mean some of its people, have given me over the years. 

I still pray and I still feel a connection but I don't know if that's ingrained habit or faith and perhaps both. 

I am saying thank you today and asking for guidance. 

near to all clear

 the simplicity of it

all stable... the best news someone with VHL can get I think

the immediate telling to all the folks I know care... and then I wonder how much I should share. I'm rare. I told twitter. I thought I might be able to build more of a community on there - not so much. Be told not to minimise and misunderstood at times. I don't think they see more than the snapshot  - much like some people in my real life. 

And of course today some of that crash you feel after the 'good news' The letting go of the tension you hadn't fully realised you had been holding onto. 

And then... well then the next scan right... in less than 6 months this time because I had to wait so long for this 'as near to all clear' as I get 

My daughter asked me this morning 'what would you do if they told you it had all gone?' 

'get them to check again.' 

how many times do I talk about waiting

 I am good at it, distracting myself but my goodness this wait is very long. Scan in July and still no definite answers and information. 

I feel like I'll be due another scan before I know what this one really means. Hoping it's not 'a little bit late' by then. 

I'm a really good person

You know when you just think... Now despite my doubt, despite my faults l, despite my fear

Actually

I'm, like so many people I surround myself with, I'm a really good person.

I'm not perfect

And that's the proof 

building and trying to ignore the worry

 the scan... the size and the 'lots of white on that' feeling. 

the disc was sent off a little under a week ago. When will I hear, when will I know? 

and then... what will it mean? 

I hurt myself the other weekend, I hit my right side on a shelf, it hurts, it's getting better. I have had to talk myself out of deciding I've done permanent damage. Popped the cyst! 

It's on my mind. 

3am worries

 I gave my physical scans to one of our biology teachers, we held them up to the light to see what they looked like. 

'That bit' I pointed to the large vivid white circle where an adrenal gland probably used to be - 'that would be the...' I stopped, I didn't know what to call it. cyst, tumour, cancer, so I mumbled a little and talked about MRI scans and contrast. I couldn't remember 

gladioli - no, gladiminium, errmm, 

it's this Gadolinium contrast 

I of course then couldn't really get the blob, not the only one either - out of my mind. A ticking clock, definitely growing but maybe not bad stuff growing. I wish I was an expert. 

The wrong time to decide

 this is a place where I have been so very happy, a place that feels like it saved me. I had a really good chat with one of my favourite people yesterday and she knows me so well. We are torn, we are undecided, but I think maybe it is time for the next step. 

I worry that what has kept me so healthy and well is this place, the air, the lifestyle, the calm. I just don't feel as stressed, even when we face turmoil over COVID, staff issues, devaluation, none of it gets into my bones like it did in London. 

The chat helped me reflected on what it was about London and the truth is I haven't meant London, I've meant my last job. A place that I at first thrived in and then almost drowned in. I never gave myself the chance to say just how horrific the brain tumour was, just how terrible that small and endless month of hospital was, how I wanted to ruin my own life, all that made me feel safe because then I was in control of the disaster and yet, in the end what we did together was make a big change. It needed to be big.

Maybe now is the right time to acknowledge that we need to see how we fair in the real world. Maybe make some choices on how we live again. Maybe. 

I'm torn. 

More cancer - not mine

 I see her as a reflection of my story in some ways. We met at an NCT group, our children just weeks in age apart. they still laugh and play together now, even if it is on Minecraft and 8000km apart. 

She had a brain tumour removed not that long ago and has just had emergency surgery to remove cancer in her bowel. 

It is perhaps what my story could have looked like if I'd been the first in my family. But because I'm not, because of that clever Dr, who asked my dad the right questions and joined the dots, I get scanned and screened. I get to find out slowly and before (usually) it gets too dangerous. I have the luxury of waiting and not always knowing but at least I do. 

I want to wrap her in my arms and tell her it's all going to be ok, and it has to be, for her and for her boy. They got most of it. She'll do chemo. She is one tough cookie. I wish she didn't have to be. 

So I will wait - happily lucky that I get to

Thank you VHL alliance

 I waited until I was back from my holiday, despite the temptation, to ask for the scan report. It came back within the hour. That was impressive. I read it and compared it to the last full report I have. 

Then I had a little wobble. 

I sent the report onto my Prof's secretary, with the sing song tone that says - I don't want to bother you but I want you to look. And I got a reply within the hour. Not an answer but I know I've been acknowledged and now I will have to wait. I can do that.

Then I had a little cry and got a hug from my husband. We talked it through, best to wait. The report didn't seem very thorough, the MRI machine wasn't as high a T number as the others, they could be looking from a different angle. I quickly calculated a thousand different outcomes, the best being  - we can still wait and the worst - well... going back to the fear I felt in 2013. I even began to think of the cost of more scans. Would my insurance cover it? I have savings - I can use those. When would be a good time of year for surgery. Then my calm husband held me again. Breath and just wait. 

I thought about telling my mum  - but she worries and I don't want her to, so I looked again at the report. And did a bit of googling, before finding my way to the place on the internet I should have started with! 

Kidney Cysts, Renal Cell Carcinoma : VHL Alliance

this bit

Cysts are generally not considered sufficient cause to operate, even if large. In the rare event a tumor is present in the wall of a cyst, it will be important to watch the size of that solid tumor, not of the cyst.

and this bit helped 

Tumors typically grow in steps, with periods of little to no growth followed by periods of rapid growth. Looking at tumor growth over a number of years, NIH has found the average growth rate is 3-4 mm per year. Generally, growth greater than 5 mm over a year is considered accelerated.

and so the left one has gone from 13 x 12 mm to  29 x 23 mm cystic lesion

no news on the right one

I'll wait

just wait

scan connoisseur

I know a few MRI machines well, one I consider I've had an on going long term relationship with, although I have been seeing his brother on the side. I've had a couple of one night stands with some, holiday flings really. 

And then there's the first, you never forget your first. In my home town. He was new to the area, my family knew him. I haven't seen him for years. 

long life milk

Living somewhere else is about accepting long life milk

where will I be scanned next

 Who knows, looking unlikely that it will be here. But I do need to have my 6month one. 

I know I do, but only to ease my mind, I'm sure of that. 

Today, I sat in my pjs with my husband and friend and we were talking about life's path. I have lived a very full and happy one but I still see a long future. I think that is why I feel frustrated by a small hiccup in the road. Very small, it will resolve but it occurred to me that asking me to wait for something I want isn't a good idea. It's not so much that I'm running out of time and more I need to use my time. I don't like being bored. I have been happy to slow down these last few years, take things as a pace which has helped me connect with my daughter and get to know different sides to my self and others. But I'm restless now, I need another thing and I don't want that to be VHL related. 

In a different world

 An old friend's wife died yesterday, she was young and had been told 10 years ago she was probably going to die of cancer. She was remarkable to keep going, I only ever saw her brave face. I suspect her husband and son saw many more faces. I wonder if she had days when she would cry in the shower, scream why me, get angry at the universe, lie awake terrified of leaving her son behind. I expect so. I live knowing that I'm being monitored and I've come to a sensible realisation that this isn't the same terminal as she faced, just life limiting. 

Just. 

I don't know how they did it, but they kept on hoping and kept on. 

Now her husband and son need to learn how to live without her and that's what breaks my heart. 

once I couldn't keep my eyes open

I remember it well.

You don't forget that

There are moments in life when you want people to do you justice... Today I hope I did that. For others. It matters

oh your dad died too

There is a club I belong to. Newish to me. The dead dad club. I understand it's not the same as the dead mum, brother, sister, friend, child club. 

It's still a thing, an unexpected one, although I knew it all. I thought I did. Yesterday someone I know, not quite a friend more than an acquaintance, joine to the dead dad club. 

I sent my habitual concern

What I'm waiting for is the next one

blossom

In my garden a tree that I don't normally notice is blossoming. It's subtle and beautiful. 

It's making me think of VHL. I'm not sure why. Maybe the unexpected growth. Maybe the sense of dormancy and new spark. It's the way it's snuck in, almost unnoticed. 

It's a clever disease and I need to remember to keep watching. I need to check in. I need to keep looking for the changes. 

And while I do, notice the beauty. 

silence me

I've been told I talk too much

Often

I've been silenced more.

I've been told I over share

Often

I've hidden so much more

I've been told I over react

Often

I've been restrained more

who knows where the time goes

If I'd been able to, that would have been the song at your funeral.

Because, because it's the first one we really learnt together, we sang it at my sister's first wedding.

We played it many times again and I can even almost play it on my guitar. The one you gave me that sits here... That'll have always.

This song means so much

This song reminds me of your soft gentle reassurance that all will be well. Even when they just weren't, you didn't let me see that. 

I miss you

I didn't know I would miss you this much

I'm looking out over a cloud covered sky, listening to waves crash into the side of the room I'm in, the beauty and power a welcome reminder of how blessed I am. I'm in a little bit of pain and I just offered a small request up. I call on those who should be 'up there' knowing that if they can they would definitely help. And I remember that my dad is now there too. I'm not used to him being on the list, nearly a year on. So I ask him. Then I do my superstition of, oh but wait, what if he's only allowed to help a little bit. I should save this for some bigger stuff. 

And then I think of his suffering, he just didn't really complain or burden me with it. I didn't know really, except of course we did. And that soft layer of missing him bubbles up and I feel sad. I want to just check in on him. My dad. Gone. 

pain in the arse

It is getting better. Healing. A slow process when you are going through it and every so fast on reflection. 

This time, a break is a time to rest and sleep. I'm happy with myself for managing lent so far. It's been interesting to have been battling with my body though. It's not behaving as I'd hoped. 

My arse, my armpit and my finger. 

But I was reminded yesterday by someone I hope dear, that it's not fighting me as much as it could. We've had rougher patches. 

She's going through a battle with her body and she doesn't know what and who she can trust. It reminded me of those times I haven't known if it's all really real. When the cure feels worse than the disease. The lack of pain or disability but to be told... 

It's time. Time to cut you open, time to intervene and stop it. Time to take the risk. Time to sign the yellow paper. 

my bum hurts

VHL sucks, I'm glad I get scanned, but I know I'm happy to put them off, until the doubt gets in.

This week however I have a non VHL related medical issue that I'm living with and it's nasty. So I've self diagnosed, self medicated and now I'm at the, why don't you just go to a Dr stage in my head and then quietly and stubbornly replying; I don't want to be in a hospital. It can wait, it will sort itself out soon. 

The fact I can't sit down for the pain should be shutting that other voice up. Nope. It wins. E v e r y time. 

Same with my current broken finger which looks odd... I just don't do Drs unless I have to.

Ummm... What is have to? 

spring and winter

It's that time of year. In the UK the sun is making more of an effort and here is raining, lots. Here the nights draw in, as much as they can. 

Here feels right and I can't quite imagine not being here. I'm needed and I'm fulfilling a role I love. 

It's that time of year when I wonder more about my brother. I don't have the same questions of my dad. 

I have the questions of me.

I usually say if I become a Head Teacher. I've been trying out saying, when.

My husband sees that potential and I think I do too. 

Some decisions to make.

happy birthday

Each time, each time, each time for so many times. 

I wonder and I know there's no point

But I wonder

seeing your mum again

I was telling my friend Tabitha about my mum and how wonderful it was to see her happy because she was doing what she does best .. helping the vulnerable. Those who don't know how to use their voice. The people who are scared, or scared - are those two words spelt the same? 

I'm not quite sure why I mentioned her age, but she lit up. She didn't know that my mum is 70. It was like she saw a future she didn't know could exist. 

My mum inspired her.

My mum inspires me, I'm so proud to call her my mum. 

I hope she keeps making a difference because that's what she was born to do. And in my own way I'm following in her footsteps. 

My dad was an inspiration too, he kinda had no choice. I was worried I might have lost my mum to his illness. I think we nearly did. But I see her again. I see her recover. I see her finding herself again, after many years being a person who she was obligated to be. 

The joy of joy 

Welcome back mum

the good news

The journey, not the destination. I'm certainly always on one. The twists and turns. Right now I'm back in a lovely bit of road, it's pleasant enough, no real bumps to speak of.

So this next 6 months is as set as it ever can be. It's what I needed to hear. It's been a stressful year and I needed to know the magic of Malawi isn't the only reason I'm safe, maybe for a little while longer. 

VHL isn't what's going to cause the bumps for a while. I hope

it's probably nothing

Sat on a toilet.

Common I think.

Here I am taking it all in to make sure I can face my baby girl.

"Prof wants to see you face to face" 

It'll be my eye

It'll be something

Maybe nothing

Can it wait?

Am I over reacting?

Can VHL wait a bit longer?

I know I've had a good break... Eyes are so good when they work. 

Maybe I need to go home

Maybe it's time to face reality again

And I'm in the toilet for two reasons.

1 + the email shocked me and I took a sharp intake of breath and that starts me coughing and that starts me sneezing and that takes a while to stop. So I need to blow my nose and have a wee

2 - I'm protecting her. 

Should I be?

It's probably nothing

Home and a cushion

We made it home in one piece, the unpacking began, I always do it before I sit down. We have one bag missing but happily it is one that only has stuff and things. Nothing meaningful.

Never before have I travelled with such important cargo. Not counting my living family.

Now, in my room are memories of my dad and a little bit of him. They surround me physically in a way he does in my memories. Now I see him each morning. He's visiting and staying with us a while. 

It's important. 

I didn't realise just how important.

There is a faint smell of him from the aftershave my nephew sprayed on the T-shirt that my big sister had made into a cushion. 

I've said goodbye to him at my childhood home and welcomed him into my new and for now home. 

I'll show him my garden.

I'll see if he has any advice on my tomatoes.

all of the reasons home is harder

We've now done all the 'homes' 

They are all harder than would be ideal

They all have people

They all make more sense when you're away

They are all are filled with past and memories

They are all harder