hello new place

I'm sitting waiting for an MRI. A new one. The form is almost the same. The wait feels a bit different. I'm not nervous of the scan but instead what it represents. 

I got the wobbles yesterday and this morning. I had the intense and real worry of the 'what ifs' 

What if it has grown lots

What if the cancer has spread

What if they cancel the operation

What if they don't

What if I die

What if I lose the whole kidney

What if my recovery takes longer than I'd hoped

What if

And the 'then whats'

Then what will happen to my family

Then what will happen to my new job

Then what will happen to me

Deep breaths