6 days ago I went in to have the kidney tumour that's been quietly growing for about 5 years removed. They found a tiny one tucked behind it and got that out too. Nice.
This time the robot helped. The not quite epidural was horrid, 3 attempts and the electric shock of the two not quite in the right place was grim. Claire - the assistant - was amazing. This too shall pass I told myself. It doesn't last forever.
I was asked what I would dream of, Malawi I said, after a moment of panic that I had no good memories at that moment, just the panic of pain and discomfort and the memory of all the ones before. All 6 years of Malawi came over me and I went under.
3 faces of worry and relief saw me next, those 3 important faces and then the recovery began. Not really pain but the feeling of a body not like the one you had a few moments ago.
This too shall pass.
Then a morning of not having the energy to do anything and I mean even ask for help to get my phone. No visitors. I'm not used to ward recovery - I'm used to HDU. I'm used to being checked on constantly. Not this time, a curtain and noises, the odd check. I felt very lonely for a few hours and then those three faces again. I don't know if that was day one or two. But I do know that at some point the pain in my shoulders was excruciating. Sharp and sudden. I cried out, I pressed a button. eventually someone came. Then a bit later someone gave me a pain relief and it worked, but I still didn't feel okay. In fact the worst day, bit , afternoon - I had no sense of time, was when I panicked and thought I was losing myself. I got frightened. 6 Days later I'm able to say, good sign, I clearly want to be alive and didn't want to not be.
This too shall pass. Along with a fair few glory bes, Hail Mary and an Our father for good measure.
Slowly but equally quickly, this bit came out, that bit came out, that Dr said yes and I did the necessary shit to be able to leave. The drain was the last. That is a very strange sensation. The tears of joy at the permission to go home, The wait for that, the taxi and then home. Oh home.
I didn't sleep well. A snatched hour at best followed by discomfort. Bloating and gas, my back and sides and stomach. The bruising from the IM steroids and blood thinners and - nothing to do with the operation - but the throbbing thumb.
This too shall pass.
I ate when I could manage, the three faces still worried but much more relieved getting me what they could. Tolerant of the farts and burps. Each one felling like a bit more of me was returning to normal.
Yesterday my sister came and I cried. It was so good to see her. Our 3 faces, her, my mum and me can only ever know this. I've felt so alone at times, they are the closest ones to really knowing. I've been crying a fair amount. This brings back such unpleasant memories. And I know I'll get on with everything but I can't help but wonder about the next one. Spine? Other kidney? Something new?
Because this too shall pass.
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