Melt down Monday

Had a wobble today, the straw that broke the camels back? It was incompetent staff, a waste of my time and their intellect.
It shocked a couple of people - it left them unsure what to do - they could scoop me up and hold me and let me sob which is what I wanted, what I felt I needed, I sat alone and was watched.Their indecision? Well a myriad  of reasons. I sucked it up... that's what you do.

One of the watchers was a friend/co-worker  who perhaps hasn't seen it  before, as I've always managed to hide it better, said I was like one of those penny slot machines, loads goes in, and keeps going in and then all of a sudden that one penny sends a whole load of them crashing through the slot.

It made so much sense, even the fact that you don't even notice where the pennies land and the tray doesn't look full in places, you think, loads more will go and then  - oh but not there one more there and then it lands and nope, actually it's holding and the unexpected can bring it all down around you.

If I'd let myself today I think I could have cried for an hour but I was at work and I had to get on so I picked up all those pennies (minus a couple that escaped under the machine) and quickly shoved them back in the slot.

Later that day I said fuck a lot in my office, to a colleague that finds that quite funny, when people just wouldn't stop coming to my door even though I wasn't the person who they should have been bothering. A couple of pennies dropped.

I taught a good lesson, they, the students, made me laugh, one dropped

I called someone and we talked, one more

I cried on the way home, a couple more

I'm writing this - another one

Trouble is, as each one drops more seem to go in while I'm home or thinking about my enemy.