Last time I went back to work after surgery it was quite straight forward, I'd only missed 3 weeks and my job was much more contained. I'd planned for my absence and so I knew what I was coming back to. I knew my colleagues well too and they knew me. It feels very different this time and although I want to go back, get back to normal, I've got the nerves of the first day with the added fear that I'm useless and no one likes me.
Extreme I know but I've changed and I don't know what my job might be and how much other people have done and if they even want me back. Crisis of confidence?
Phased too, slow, not right back in. That's why I'm sitting here and not actually at work yet, I'm going in later. This is because my energy levels are lower than before.
VHL gets in the way, this operation was unexpected and I couldn't plan for it, it's taken me by surprise and so are these feelings I'm having.
I hope it's better than I'm expecting and that there are some good old silver linings to this too. Perhaps I'll get some changes to my role that will work out well, perhaps my show of strength in the face of adversity will convince some people I'm not as bad as they thought I was. Perhaps.
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