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Prayers and positive thoughts needed.

Hey hey

Some not so good news today. Dad has got a letter, it looks like it is a brain tumour in his cerebellum that is causing the balance problems. We thought as much. But that’s where you lot some in; go on get praying and thinking etc. We don’t know the plan of action yet; he’ll get an appointment soon and I’ll of course keep you posted.

My sister is on holiday at the moment and so she doesn’t know. So those of you who might have a slight chance of letting slip before dad gets to tell her shhhhhhhhhh. Very unlikely for most of you.

Sorry to say it via the wwb but you know me!

Take care ya’ll

Today I feel sad

My dad said ‘hello sweetheart, where are you?’

‘You’ve got some results haven’t you?’

‘Yes, are you with anyone?’

‘Yes.’

‘Right.’ He said in his matter a fact voice that I have come to know so well in these situations. I always know when it isn’t going to be great news, he always approaches it in this way. I love him so much.

The letter said that the tumour in his cerebellum has grown and is the most likely cause of the balance problem. He is to go and see the Neurologist on a Friday. It said A Friday, not a specific one. Odd. I cried quietly while he pretended to be fine about it all and mentioned that f they could solve the problem then he should be able to ride a bike again. We pretended to each other that we where fine and positive about it. We talked about mum and the fact that she has only just done a solid poo since she came back from Egypt. We laughed and we said we loved each other and I put the phone down and sobbed. I had a little bit of hope in me that it was going to be a medication problem. 

He can’t die before his granddaughter arrives and he must be able to hold her and hold me too.

I phoned him and mum this morning, they had been worrying all the night before and had somehow convinced themselves that the tumour the letter was referring to was the one on his brain stem. I hope I managed to convince them it isn’t; it’s one that was already in the cerebellum. They are different places in the brain; it would have made it clear that it was on the stem I’m sure. 

If it is that one then, well he’s fucked! Excuse my language but there it is. I feel sad and as I sat on the toilet and my baby girl kicked in my womb I said ‘sorry’ out loud. Sorry I’ve done this to her. Yes she wasn’t planned but who am I kidding we weren’t careful. I wanted to be a parent so much that I’ve been selfish. Please god don’t let her have it, please god don’t let her have to feel this pain. But she will won’t she. No matter what. I’m probably going to be phoning her and saying… ‘are you with anyone? Now sit down…’ And it won’t be one day it will more than likely be a few times.

How does he do it? He mustn’t die yet, he mustn’t be harmed again, he mustn’t be a memory I have to tell. We already have to do that with my brother for my nieces. Then I think of friends my age who don’t have one of their parents… for 28year of age I’m lucky and not so lucky. It could happen but I hope and pray it isn’t yet.

Today I feel sad.

Week 22

All is well as far as the baby is concerned. She has started to move about and I can feel her, and yes it is a She. I'm really enjoying being pregnant. I didn't let myself entertain the idea that I might be a mum that we could be parents and we are 22 weeks on our way to it coming true. It does feel like I’ve been pregnant for years not months but I’m not bored of it, I might get bored and I’ve been getting backache at the end of a day but I still love it. My baby.

On other news my dad hasn’t had any results as such but I always feel more hopeful when it takes a long time. It usually means that things aren’t a problem. But then they are, his balance isn’t any better and he keeps falling now. Injury list so far, finger and knee.

And my VHL health, well as you lot won’t tell; I’ve been getting some fluttery feelings around the left shoulder blade. It’s internal but just under the skin, a bit like pins and needles but not unpleasant. So I’m wondering if it’s got anything to do with the tumours on my spine. I mentioned it to my dad and he said it sounds like the sort of feeling he gets in his legs now the pain has been sorted through the medication. I’m not going to say anything to anyone else just yet. Even if it is the tumours there isn’t a problem, it’s not like they could operate while I’m pregnant. So apart from getting it out there in the open with you I’m not going to worry about it. Well not really.