I'm not as tolerant as I want to be

I'm feeling unnecessarily annoyed by the people around me panicking about getting their second vaccine.

It is about being able to travel in most cases. It doesn't feel like it's for good reason. 

And I'm trying to sort out a kidney scan and that is important. And so I'm grumpy and having to hide my irritation. 

The contrast of trying to get a medical thing... 

Humph

that footballer

Twitter seems full of people saying what an important reminder that a rich, physically fit white man collapsed in the middle of a match has reminded them what the important things in life are.

They really are sad and I'm glad they have had this prompt.

I assume he's doing a job he loves.

He had help instantly.

It nearly all disappeared before millions.

But why do you need this as a reminder. Keep your eyes and ears open and you'll see reasons to live life to the full everyday.

Is this a way to make reason out of the unexpected? 

Death here is frequent and unquestioned. 

planning a scan

I know that I'm due. My kidneys are on a 6month watch. I feel like I might be the one person who has remembered this. 

I'm having to have a big think about this one. I waited 'too long' last time but happily all was well. As well as it gets.

Now I have to think about what is worth me doing to get the next scan. What will it cost, where will I go? I don't know what my insurance will say. The last one felt like a bit of a once in a life time treat. 

Maybe not. Maybe I pay enough. Maybe.

What I do now is that it's playing on my mind. What is that cancer up to? 

Is it dormant, is it slow, should I get treatment? 

Questions with no answers. They are the most frustrating ones.

a day off

If I was in Norfolk right now I'd be busy. I'd be helping with the preparations. I'm not, I'm here. 

I'm taking my morning slowly. I decided not to go into work. 

I'm not very good at taking time off. I like working, I enjoy my job, but today I knew I needed to stop and be, feel all the things today. 

It's raining (highly unusual here) like the weather is caused by me and my mood. I'll know if that's true if the clouds break after I've said goodbye. 

Today I'm doing almost nothing this morning. I'm still in bed. I'm just letting this all be.

I'm remembering and feeling. 

My dad.

Always brought me a cup of tea on school mornings.

He took the dog got a walk.

He dressed well, had style.

Music meant a huge amount to him.

Best cook.

He never really complained. I don't remember him moaning. He didn't get cross about very much. He was more disappointed. 

He did art.

He was a teacher. 

Those who chose him as a friend loved his sense of humour. I must admit I didn't always get it. They induced a roll of the eyes and a groan from me more often than a laugh.

He was proud of me. 

He was up for an adventure.

He had great hats.

He liked Coventry football club.

He took on surgery like a fucking legend. 

I don't remember him ever really getting drunk. 

My god his curries were good. 

He was a solid, strong and quiet man who I will always love. 

He gave good advice. 

I feel lonely

 because, despite the love and care and the huge amount of support I am. 

My dad is dead, so is my brother. Just me with VHL. 

And of course there are others, but all mine have gone. 

Just me. 

Me.