what's wrong with your hands?

Why can't you catch?

"Oh, that's a long story" I replied

Then felt my face fill with tears and, not for the first time, couldn't stay on. Couldn't continue.

What was wrong with me? 

When the game is going well I love it, a member of a team, part of the success and failure. 

When I feel I'm being treated like I'm shit, I feel shit. The expectation of failing and dropping and my sense that I'm considered lazy.

Far from it.

I don't make excuses, I don't give up, usually. But today I ran off, I didn't stay for that. I couldn't play on.

What's wrong with your hands?

The truth might be...

Nothing

Something

Everything you can't see

All of the things... All of these possiblites 

I'm older then you

I'm just not very good

I give up when you wouldn't, because I don't fancy throwing myself to the ground

I have a variety of invisible disabilities that make this really hard for me and I keep trying, when you include me, when you give me a chance, when you don't make me feel like I'm worthless, when you don't patronise me, when you see my effort not my skill, when you are kind

Yes. I felt those things. I pulled it together and went back on

I stood my ground

I scored

I found space

I got angry

I said, I'm not throwing it behind me

I carried on

And I got home and cried some more

I'm strong but this pulls me apart it's got to be real because the tears are. 

Last time I stopped going because I didn't like feeling like that week after week. 

What should I do? 

freedom

This morning I woke up in a lazy mood, I was simply thinking about the fact I don't have to do anything today. We are away and me and my little family are just together, simply and happily. 

It feels so good.

Despite this, a little trickle of fear began to creep in. Invasive thoughts about my body, my health, my time. I'm good at pushing this to the side and now, cup of tea in hand, beautiful view and gentle sun I'm breathing deeply and letting the waves in the shore wash it as far away as it can go. 

Live for now, be, don't let scan worries get in the way.

I'm going to leave them on this page today. 

I'm going to enjoy a good book and lots of tea and cuddles. 

That's my plan. 

hearing no

 I had a moment, suddenly seeing something I have read about and always thought, how could anyone do that, I don't understand. 

It was about consent and it was a young girl. A friend was leaving and as a gesture of kindness the father of the little girl, suggested she give this man, a man she knows and as far as I am aware likes, a goodbye kiss and cuddle. She didn't want to. Her father seemed annoyed, she should do this. She didn't want to. I suggested a very loving hand shake, my third glass of wine of the avenging warming my courage. Not only was I ignored but the father picked up his daughter, taking away her free will and placed her into the man's lap. She squirmed and wriggled, he hadn't heard the pervious exchange, and surprised by a child suddenly in his lap, he laughed. She called out "no". 

I called out, loud so she and he would hear, loud to show I got it, loud to help her, loud so my daughter, next to me saw me act, heard me do what I say we should all do. 

"Ah well, no means no, right!" the man, my friend, quickly, gently placed her on the ground, expecting nothing more from her. Her father was cross, and to distract he pushed forward his son, slightly older and he was instructed to give that handshake. 

I was stunned and worried - my daughter was as shocked as me and pleased I had said something. 

There, here, we saw it. It happens so easily, so quickly the lines of society tell woman you are an object to be give, your voice doesn't matter. I hope she heard me.