Probably nothing

The panic has subsided, a problem shared! The pins and needles isn't daily and most likely more about a stiff neck due to exercise. But I'm still a bit worried. The NHS feels very far away.
I haven't had a reply from anyone about MRI scans here and yesterday a colleague was complaining about the terrible insurance we have.
I am good at pushing this all to one side. My significant other is the world champion.

The confession

I'm considering applying for a job. I'm unsure if I should. The current lack of work stress is nice. This would potentially change that.
But VHL has its own way of making things stressful and for the last few days I've kept that all to myself. Until tonight. Tonight I confessed.
In the safety of his arms and while we were being honest I told him.
I have a new symptom. I'm scared. I want to be in the safety of home. It's not my imagination. This could be serious. This could fuck everything up.
And I cried.
Then we talked strategy.
Then we looked up neurologists in Malawi.
Then we looked into the medical insurance.
And then we had a beer.
Who needs the use of their arms?

Me, me, I do. *puts hand up in the air.

I just can't get to sleep

I'm not going to post this straight away. But I can't sleep.
I've let someone I care tremendously about know this blog exists and he's reading it.

I can't get to sleep for all sorts of reasons but it started because I drank too much and I miss my brother.
My daughter was asking about him today.
I can't know him anymore. He's almost been dead as long as he was alive but as his little sister, well, that passed long ago.
He knew me before I knew me.
He'd seen and understood what my feet were long before I stood on them.
He shaped me without intending to. He was my big brother.

I wonder if I seek that gap out.

And I'm sad. I miss who he could have been.

To be or not to be

A simple question. Because I'm a to be. No matter what. I've considered the 'not to be' talked my way into the who would hurt. How should I do it. That was before my brother died.
You'd have to be the most heartless person in existence to do that to your parent's twice.
No,  I keep on with the to be.

Despite the agony.

Living your best life

There were so many reasons to move. Today I sat with someone I've only known a little while and confessed to a snobbery I have. We talked about it, he listened and I felt sad that I'd left those vulnerable kids behind.
But in my heart I knew I had to. To save me and in turn my marriage and my child.
I had to find joy again.
I was no use to anyone with darkness knocking at my confidence. I can blame many things, people and naturally myself for the level of depression I experienced but that doesn't help.
Change did.
Big choices, small ones, brave ones. 

They made a difference. 

Love and support.
I am so privileged.
I am lucky despite the troubles I have faced.
I was created with a genetic defect but I know it gave me a strength that has helped me not just survive but thrive.

2 years hence

And Facebook knows. So do I.