classic recovery

This is to remind myself for the next time. You can do too much and that's part of it. 

I was in a bit of pain yesterday and I think it was because I'd over done it. My body needs more time to be healed and I just needed to slow down. 

So I did. 

remarkable

 When I look at at this time I want to remind myself of how remarkable it was, to be so well, to be back at work and to be able to do so much. There's still the driving and using public transport to do, but that can wait and must wait. But I am able to do so much, not even 3 weeks ago, and I have to be aware of what I'm lifting and mindful of pulling open a heavy door. But otherwise - all really is well. 

My mood have lifted, despite it trying to drift to the unpleasant days, the fear of running out of kidney to be 'fixed' but I distract myself and remember, not yet and maybe not ever. 

slow walks

 I'm quite bored, I can't do enough of anything to feel anything like independent. Knowing I couldn't escape far. But the recovery feels better than most, and although I know I'm weak in some ways I'm fine in most. 

I've had the mix of relief and fear, sadness and worry but all told just going to take it a day at a time. 

 

The robot did it

 6 days ago I went in to have the kidney tumour that's been quietly growing for about 5 years removed. They found a tiny one tucked behind it and got that out too. Nice. 

This time the robot helped. The not quite epidural was horrid, 3 attempts and the electric shock of the two not quite in the right place was grim. Claire - the assistant - was amazing. This too shall pass I told myself. It doesn't last forever. 

I was asked what I would dream of, Malawi I said, after a moment of panic that I had no good memories at that moment, just the panic of pain and discomfort and the memory of all the ones before. All 6 years of Malawi came over me and I went under. 

3 faces of worry and relief saw me next, those 3 important faces and then the recovery began. Not really pain but the feeling of a body not like the one you had a few moments ago. 

This too shall pass. 

Then a morning of not having the energy to do anything and I mean even ask for help to get my phone. No visitors. I'm not used to ward recovery - I'm used to HDU. I'm used to being checked on constantly. Not this time, a curtain and noises, the odd check. I felt very lonely for a few hours and then those three faces again. I don't know if that was day one or two. But I do know that at some point the pain in my shoulders was excruciating. Sharp and sudden. I cried out, I pressed a button. eventually someone came. Then a bit later someone gave me a pain relief and it worked, but I still didn't feel okay. In fact the worst day, bit , afternoon - I had no sense of time, was when I panicked and thought I was losing myself. I got frightened. 6 Days later I'm able to say, good sign, I clearly want to be alive and didn't want to not be. 

This too shall pass. Along with a fair few glory bes, Hail Mary and an Our father for good measure. 

Slowly but equally quickly, this bit came out, that bit came out, that Dr said yes and I did the necessary shit to be able to leave. The drain was the last. That is a very strange sensation. The tears of joy at the permission to go home, The wait for that, the taxi and then home. Oh home. 

I didn't sleep well. A snatched hour at best followed by discomfort. Bloating and gas, my back and sides and stomach. The bruising from the IM steroids and blood thinners and  - nothing to do with the operation - but the throbbing thumb.  

This too shall pass. 

I ate when I could manage, the three faces still worried but much more relieved getting me what they could. Tolerant of the farts and burps. Each one felling like a bit more of me was returning to normal. 

Yesterday my sister came and I cried. It was so good to see her. Our 3 faces, her, my mum and me can only ever know this. I've felt so alone at times, they are the closest ones to really knowing. I've been crying a fair amount. This brings back such unpleasant memories. And I know I'll get on with everything but I can't help but wonder about the next one. Spine? Other kidney? Something new? 

Because this too shall pass.