I think I need you

Tonight...  I think I need you

Feminism finds itself trapped

Tonight I sat speaking to a woman who I have a peculiar respect for. She is woman who dances between power and weakness.
As with many of my encounters this exchange was about me.
But... We discussed and conversed. My step father in law demanded my glass, he flicked soap suds on me. I was mid conversation. Still he flicked. Still I refused to yield my glass. He was frustrated.
So was I.
I was faced with a man who expected subservience. He wasn't going to get it
Merry Christmas

Easier to be terminal

As I sit listening to the songs of Christmas eve I find myself envious of those who know their fate.  I have forever sat on the cusp of death and life. An uncomfortable place to spend your days. But sit here I do.
I'm loved. I rejoice in that.
I'm admired, I'm proud of that.
I'm independent, I rely on that.
I'm so close to an end. I assume that.

Christmas

Another one. My little girl is excited and that's the important bit. I think, all things considered though that Christmas just won't ever be as good as when I was little.  This proves how happy I was. I really was. My early childhood was the best. We weren't rich, we lived in a small home with a yard, we didn't eat the best things and I didn't have loads of friends but I remember being very happy. I loved my parents, I enjoyed school, my brother and sister provided me with a great balance of fun and fear and we had a great dog.
I was so very happy.
Memories of kicking the bunkbed above, playing and smiling, singing and celebrating.
Occasions like Christmas were all about anticipation and joy.  The routine of it all was so much of joy. Wanting something for so long and then getting it (or the closest version my parents could afford)
The tradition of stocking, church, sherry, gifts, food, playing, gifts and TV. Always that order, always great.
I don't have that any more.
I miss the traditional way and I know I'll never get it back.
As my always foretold... Everything passes.

A pretend friend

Recently I've been having a hard time at work. I've had to adjust my trust radar a few times.
I trust easily and 'over share' and that often means people think they know me very well. In turn they tell me things, I know a lot about people very quickly.
I'm thinking of all of this because there has been a new face at work, she posed as a friend but I get the feeling it was far from real. She used me.
I trusted, but now I am dumped.
I could be wrong, perhaps this is normal behaviour for her in friendships but it isn't for me.
Trouble is I could have done with a friend at work, someone who I could get support from. I've been struggling to be strong at work, to be in control, to care enough to be good at it. A friend might have helped a bit but she didn't.
Luckily I have a couple of people I can trust, and a few more who trust me. Can see the current me is weaker than normal and needs a bit of space.
More importantly I have real friends outside of work who are helping me get through this rough patch. Ones who check in, who keep me focused on what is important, who tell me their great news, medium news and bad so that I feel part of their lives and know I'm not alone.
I'm a mess inside. Work used to be my escape and it no longer is, well not all of it. Those great classes, who love to learn and we have fun together, they are an escape. In fact no matter how shitty things get, a great lesson can make those spirals of shame, fear and loneliness pause and retreat.
Her falseness is troubling me. I wish I could let go. I don't know why but I'm guessing it is connected to trust. To feeling used. It's all fine when you're needed.
My true friends are there no matter what.
I hope I am a true friend. Maybe that's what I'm troubled by; could I have been that false.
Yes. 

Letter to my little girl

I'm not sure if I've posted this before but I was tidying up my dropbox and came across the letter I wrote to her, to keep if the worst happened. 

I wrote it in 2013  - must have been the kidney one. 

It's here if she needs it... I really hope she doesn't. 

I'd have written this by hand but I'm not great at spelling and I want you to be able to read it.

You are the absolute best thing that ever happened in my life and you brought me joy in so many ways. I hope one day you know this joy, and then you'll understand. I want you to know that if I have any choice at all I will be with you and I will always love you, I am in your skin. I am so sorry that I left you and so much wanted to see you grown up.

I don't want to decide what your future should be and you shouldn't live your life wondering what would have made me proud. I hope that you are a good person of course and I hope you live well. I trust your dad to help guide you and keep you safe. There are a lot of other people who will be there to support him and make sure he does. He's a great man and the best dad I've ever known. Maybe you will end up looking after him. He deserves to be happy, he should have another relationship. So should you.

I can't decide if I should offer you words of wisdom. Will you treasure them? The problem is of course that I don't know what situations you may find yourself in and so advice could lead you the wrong way. But this is what I think… I hope that you trust yourself enough to make good choices and to be mature enough to resolve them if you don't. Learn from your mistakes, everyone makes them - try not to make the same one twice. Take some risks, don't play it too safe. Try hard, make an effort, most things that are worth anything in life will be hard work at times. Read a lot and read widely and don't believe everything you read or hear.

I hope you are both happy and that you remember me, but don't be too sad about it.

Baby girl I love you so much

I hope the diary shows you we had fun… we did. thank you for being you and being my squidge pants.