looking after myself

 I know I say it each time - I say

next time I'll take off all the time I need and do a proper phased return. And then I just find ways that that won't fit, or work, and I try and do too much too quickly. I think that because actually every time it's worked out fine in the end. No accidents, no relapses and no long term damage I must tell myself it will be ok. 

This time I'm making a compromise with myself. This time I'll do some of what I probably shouldn't and some of what I should.  My new work are being fantastic. And I've asked for and been sent the first week plan and it looks super chilled, with me not needing to teach much at all. 

It is 7 weeks tomorrow. The pain in my neck remains and is mostly a very slight pain that I am conscious of most when I think about it or do something like lift a heavy pot, fill the kettle, garden, empty the bottom draw of the dishwasher. If I hold my head up for hours then I feel the relief when I rest it. The fizz happens less, but is still there. My hands don't feel the same and neither feels like they should. 

I haven't driven yet but I am ready to try. Stupidly though I'm nervous to interrupt my husband to see if he will take us to a big carpark so I can have a go. I'm mainly worried that although I know I haven't lost any movement or strength in my legs that somehow when I press the pedals it won't feel right. I'd lost a bit of parking confidence last year and I really don't want to lose anymore. 

So here we go again, another post surgery return to work. Another part of the recovery cycle. 

Then 2 hospital appointments in September - and I suspect and MRI no one has booked in yet! 

when the world shrinks

I'm used to being independent. One thing I don't miss about Malawi was I didn't ever truly feel that. I needed more people than I would have liked. Not needing people was a theme of my youth. Want them, yes but not need anyone. Each relationship a choice. 

Surgery and disability take some of that independence and at I'm not 6 weeks I'm allowed to gain a little back. The pain in my shoulder persists and the aches come and go and get worse in the evening. The fizzes continue but not at much. 

Next step the car. If I can drive I can feel me again. 

Then work. 

If I can work I'm me again. 

So is that who I am? 

I will always remember you

I didn't know it on the day but a treat ago you lost your battle and I lost you. 

You'd sent me a happy by text a few days before. And I hadn't heard from you. And I never will again. 

It has been hurting all year. 

Your letter told us it wasn't our fault. It wasn't yours either. But my god I wish you'd have called me. I'm not sure it would have changed much. The date you did it maybe. 

But I would love to hear your voice again. 

I'm singing more again now. I can listen to us without crying every time. 

I miss you. 

47

This surgery and this life has been making me think a lot about the letter. 

49 without screening

52 with

Kidney cancer 

The plan to have a massive party when I'm 53

The endlessness

And currently being disabled more than usual, not as much as I, we feared. 

It's all a lot. 

Time to fuck off to Disney Land? 

recovery update

It's almost 5 weeks. I've done busses and longish car journeys but they do make me ache a lot. I thought I was through the fatigue but have had a couple of days when I'm knackered. 

The muscles around my neck ache and hurt and my neck feels like it's cracking. The fizzy thing still happens, it's not unpleasant just a bit strange. It doesn't impact my movement. 

I'm less down in mood - started dreaming about being back at work. 

PTSD?

A suggestion from a very good friend was the perhaps my involuntary sadness and tears might be PTSD. This doesn't seem wrong but a potential. Not just for the traumatic disease and the current consequences but also the work stuff. 

To be so ordinarily happy for 6 years, to come home and life change and try not change. 

So maybe, maybe my body is just letting itself feel the feelings.