You don’t always get what you want

MARCH

Every one of these changes has left its mark

This time of year is bizarre. Ten years ago my brother died. Ten years ago I notice how warm the sun was on my face and I was glad I was alive. He wasn’t but I was. I took my life and I decided to make it worth living. I didn’t go to Disney land, I didn’t think about that side of life ten years ago. I listened to my uncle speak about my brother at his funeral and I knew that I wanted to have someone say things about me if I died. I didn’t want to be dead and have no epitaph so I set about living a bit more. You might not recognise it as such but that’s what this is. Take every moment and live it, even if it is crossing the street, cleaning the toilet, enjoying the touch of a hand, flirting, coughing, sleeping. As long as I’m not bored. I realised that I was bored and I don’t ever want to experience that again. Now if I feel boredom creeping in I get up and I do something, anything. 

I loved my brother and I remember him with love and fondness and I want him to still be here. I don’t want to be dead.

I still love him. When I’m at my most optimistic I think that he is still capable of loving me. I’m pretty sure he is the one who stops me having car accidents.

It is three minutes past ten