In a bid to be prepared for my consultation I referred to the trusty internet and as always went to Cancer research and NHS as I feel I can rely on them. Not great stuff, but there are very few good side effects. (the tan is one!) But now I'm thinking maybe I should have buried my head in the sand.
A shunt, swelling, severe headaches and more besides. Traditional surgery anyway... Side effects that could happen straight away, months or years later. All seem bloody horrible.
Loss of function, not being as focused as you were, concentration etc etc
Will I be allowed to drive... with that list I know I bloody wouldn't say I could.
This disease is such a pain in the arse.
Today I cried quite a lot. I called my mum and despite her calm and sensible advice and warmth I know I worried her senseless.
'It's so hard mummy.' and 'I give up.' fell out of my tired mouth. I really did feel that way this morning. If I hadn't been invited to a party I might have had yet another sofa day.
I read a post on depression, so much of what the blogger talked of applied to so much of how I feel. I felt hopeless and lost this morning. This evening I'm looking up side effects so I know what to ask.
I understand why people talk about fighting cancer, it isn't like you can will your white blood cells to attack, it's much more about getting up and getting on with your life even when that is the last thing you want to do. The days are very hard. If I could switch my brain off for just a little while I might get some rest but even sleep doesn't offer me that comfort. My dreams are vivid and frighten me, I wake up crying, angry and afraid.
Perhaps that why when I feel there is a glimmer of happiness I run towards it, when there is a chance to feel numb I take it and when I need to I call my mum, sister or a friend. In spite of all of this I have them, I have that love.
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