'Be the Verse' Philip Larkin

http://allpoetry.com/This-Be-The-Verse

This poem was introduced to me by my big brother. I thought him so important and clever even before he read this to me. My big brother was my hero for a time. I didn't see the many layers of relevance in this poem at the time but agreed with the sentiment and was, of course, simply impressed that an old man who was a librarian, could use the f word and have it published.

Not long ago I sent the link to a friend I was becoming very close to, I pointed out that as parents it is inevitable that we are going to fuck our little ones up, we should embrace it and just try to love them as much as we can, give them the resilience to cope with it, regardless.

The layers of this poem go into my genes of course, my dad fucked me up, his mum him, who knows if she was the first... and despite not passing the literal gene onto my daughter, she still has to live with the effects.

A couple of weeks ago her school began to worry about her and suggested a form of therapeutic play, we, my logical and non-worrying husband and I discussed it.We talked about the idea of making too much of it all. She been seeking out comfort, been crying, getting worried about my brain. Worried that my whole brain would get frozen, that I had wanted to spend a special day with her because I was going to die, because...
At home she seems very content and happy, she doesn't seem to worry. But her little life has been packed full of hospital visits, knowledge of test results, disability and just recently I think the fact that her best friends aunty died, showed her the pain of grief in a way she just can't articulate.

And she must sense my tension, my worry, my own fear because as much as I try to hide it from her, as much as I try to be 'normal' I'm not. and sometimes I'm not very good at that anyway.

So I've fucked her up already.

If you ever read this baby girl, know I love you and your parents fucking you up is inevitable and you'll do the same for your children one day (if you have them) and just as my mum is very proud of me despite my many faults, mistakes and fuck ups, I too will always be looking for the things I can feel proud of, the things I will love about you because while we have the potential to do so many ruinous things in our lives, actually when you are a normal parent, a good parent, that's what you do. Love unconditionally.