The news we're always waiting for.

This is a familiar feeling. I don't think it is ever different. The waiting and finding out.   

The news is:
Brain and spine stable.
 A lesion in the right kidney has grown from 13mm to 18mm and Prof D thinks it might need treatment and he is going to write to the renal team.

What's different this time as I've found out via a short email and now all my questions are left completely unanswered. Although if I had been there in person, Prof D would still have to ask the renal team.

Might need treatment.

When?

Please say, not for a long time.

Please say, maybe never.

Please don't say you need more scans.

Please don't say, soon.

Please don't end my current bubble of happy.

Holding back tears, letting them come. Fight the urge to tell everyone. I FUCKING HATE VHL. Fight the urge to get sympathy from all sources.

And into strategies, - if it's this then we'll do this. What's 18mm? How rapid is that growth? What was it last time? Which side?
We'll cope. It's fine. I'm fine. Should I tell my mum and dad before I know more? They'll only worry.
Cover it up so my daughter doesn't worry.

And then numb.

Dazed.

Tired.

More questions without answers, more guesses.

Sadness.

Fear.

Blog.