when your past sneaks in

I had what you could refer to as a re-laps. Nothing medical, all emotional.

I didn't know how to say, slow down, let me do this properly, this is my new place. Partly because I was so excited by the idea of it all, partly because I want that time to be made right. Even though in so many ways it was I wanted to share some of what wonder there is here.

And then there is was, someone here acting like someone there and my defences went up and my fear crept in and my worry spiked and I sat on the steps and tried not to cry, tried to fix everything. Got overwhelmed by the enormity of all of here and so I did what I always do - I got on with my day job. I retreated into work, even though this is all about work.

My strong and competent layer trying to stay there, and without knowing someone did it just the wrong way. I was right back at that oval table, eyes on me, answer, give details, and I felt the challenge and I knew I'd gone about it all wrong.

But I found solace in a friend and the compassion she has and the way she knows me and I cried more, let it out, said all the irrationality out loud and was able to take a step forward and as this occurred my guardian angel reached out and there too I could clam myself and know I could make the right choice, for the right reasons.