Daren

 

Daren

You’ve left a big gap in my heart. When I think of you, I think of your smile your talent and your gift for making me feel loved. I am no stranger to grief but I hadn’t expected to be grieving you so soon. Perhaps foolishly I thought we had so much more time. I hoped you were feeling better, making steps to a recovery. I’m so sorry I was wrong and we don’t have any more future to enjoy.

You were my Daren, my guitarist. I never had another, I remember when you told me you were in a new band, I felt very jealous and so wanted to be able to write and perform music with you again. It’s who we were for so long. The advert answered, the bond made and never lost. Never will be. I will keep you with me always.

We made great music, we made some terrible stuff too, but we really did find ways to create, and I was so happy doing that with you. Each song we gave some of ourselves to it. It had always been a dream to perform, it was its very best by your side. My life was always fuller because of our music, and it has been a little gap I’ve never filled again, no matter the choirs or attempts at other bands, even playing for myself. It was always the best with you.

We almost made our friendship last 30 years you know, through the various changes we both made, the career choices, the choice of partner – you more than me of course. The people in our lives couldn’t ever compare could they. Once you sung your soul out in front of a crowd, harmonising perfectly, hearing them sing your own words back to you, listening to the expertly rehearsed timing working its magic, well who can beat that? Life may have meant we didn’t do that forever, but those gigs, the laughs at rehearsal, the creating on my futon or your box room will be some of the happiest days of my life.

No matter what – when we met up it was so easy. You were and will always be one of my best friends. Perhaps that’s why I’ve always found it so hard to call anyone my best friend – because I had you and even when  - that short period when we didn’t -couldn’t see each other or talk as much as we wanted to happened – it didn’t break the bond.

My words feel small in comparison to the pain I feel now knowing I won’t ever be able to sing with you again. We were good with words together, we made poetry together.

As we once wrote ‘you came and found me, and rescued me from me…’ and now I’ve got all this life that you won’t know about. I wish you could have stayed for it and I know if you could have – well you would have. You never wanted to hurt anyone so I know your hurt must have been huge and overwhelming.

I will miss you for ever – my Daren, my guitarist.