The magic cure isn't as magic as I thought

 The last few days I've seen posts from people who have not had the miracle cure from the drug that they and the rest of us were expecting. Tumours re-growing once the medication stopped, having to still have the kidney removed despite the months of side effects. 

It's making me feel a bit sad and I begin to spiral into the unknown future. 

I need to focus on something else 

last chance - well it's not but it feels like it

When the fates allow it I will look back and use these last few weeks as a lesson in keeping on. I feel so utterly supported by so many people in my life and I'm sure if it was based on that alone I would have smashed it by now. 

My husband doesn't take things personally which I admire and try to emulate. He has a good philosophy on this. I wasn't the only one disappointed - only one person was happy. 

So now to revision on the next thing... 

Maybe this is the one 

harder than I thought

 I've been very tearful today and finally had a good cry.  Simply put, although I know it's the right thing to do for so many reasons, I don't really want to be doing this. It isn't helping that I miss my family loads and that they are in the sun and I'm in a jumper. 

I was just, essentially, coached by my clever and logical husband and decided to put my energy into the job I want more. I have no idea if that's the right choice. If I could I would fly back now and just accept I don't have a job. I want so much to hold my baby girl and be held by my man. 

It's hard to maintain the joy of London when I want to be sharing it with them. 

Tonight I want to sleep well and prepare and feel as ready as I can. 

I want to be able to do my best. 

I want to be appreciated for all I can offer. 

I want to want the job. 

I wish I was better at finding out what I want. 

hydrocortison

 Humph

I need more than I brought with me and it's very annoying. In Malawi I can just go and buy it. I don't think this is necessary, in the grand scheme of  things, a good thing, but my goodness I wish I could go and get some that way now.

I've considered halving my dose so it will just about last. That, of course is not a good idea. 

Humph 

flying home

I keep having to remind myself this is real. It doesn't feel it. Like a crap prank. I don't know if I believe this is happening and try, it really is. 

Each moment a little bit closer to that big change. If I get the job I know I'll deserve it. I'm essentially applying for the same job I went for 9 years ago, when I knew nothing! 

I know so much more now.