harder than I thought

 I've been very tearful today and finally had a good cry.  Simply put, although I know it's the right thing to do for so many reasons, I don't really want to be doing this. It isn't helping that I miss my family loads and that they are in the sun and I'm in a jumper. 

I was just, essentially, coached by my clever and logical husband and decided to put my energy into the job I want more. I have no idea if that's the right choice. If I could I would fly back now and just accept I don't have a job. I want so much to hold my baby girl and be held by my man. 

It's hard to maintain the joy of London when I want to be sharing it with them. 

Tonight I want to sleep well and prepare and feel as ready as I can. 

I want to be able to do my best. 

I want to be appreciated for all I can offer. 

I want to want the job. 

I wish I was better at finding out what I want.