Fear of a mother

 As I talked to my mum on facetime last night I saw the fear she feels for me. This was linked to me saying I thought maybe I needed a change in career - that I am perhaps ready to take a step back from the imaginary race I've been on. For the longest time I thought I needed to move up to move forward and with that I could only really see one path. 

Circumstances shape me - tumours don't. I have always been furious if I think VHL is going to stop me doing what I want to do. Livid that they wouldn't accept me onto the VSO programme and full of determined rage when kidney cancer got in the way of interviews for my then next step to Assistant Head. Incandescent when I was refused a massage because the less than scientific masseuse theorised that it would squash out my medication with all the toxins too. I didn't even believe the toxin were squash-outable. 

And then I saw her face and I didn't think I was doing a dangerous job but she sees the stress and she believes that the stress adds to the tumour growth and she is genuinely afraid of me being in pain and me being less than in control. And, frankly, so am I. 

I take hydrocortisone each day - I forgot yesterday and didn't realise until I was thinking about her worry later on in the evening. I felt fine. Partly because I'm feeling a bit stronger since I got home and since I started to see jobs I could do. Jobs with a purpose and a level of satisfaction included. I could see a future I wanted. It will be hard to walk away from the holidays and the pay... but if I get lucky I'll walk towards a different chapter and will be able to enjoy something new. And although there is a little bit of me that is sad at this I think maybe it is the sunrise after a dark night I need.